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Band 4.5

It is suggested that everyone wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do the disadvantages to society outweigh the advantages?

#car #tv #fridge #society
Undoubtedly, in
this
 modern era, a number of modifications have taken place in the nation.
Due to
this
, everyone wants to own a technical
devices
Fix the agreement mistake
device
show examples
such
 as
car
Correct article usage
a car
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, fridge
and a tv
Correct your spelling
or TV
show examples
.
Thus
, the disadvantages to the community outweigh as far more than the advantages.
Firstly
, several factors are associated with it, but the main one is the lack of exercise. To illustrate, nowadays individuals spend their quality
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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,
smartphone
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smartphones
show examples
 and many more. Which can hold the
long
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
attention of the people. With
this
, they are suffering from different health hazards
such
 as obesity, poor eyesight and muscle pain.
Also
, it
keep
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keeps
show examples
 people far away because when they invest a long hour on screen they do not have
a
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apply
show examples
time to speak evening with their family.
This
 leads
conflicts
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to conflicts
show examples
 between them because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of communication.
Therefore
, not only
technical
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does technical
show examples
 gadgets
weaker
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weaken
show examples
 the bonding of family members, but
also
Correct pronoun usage
they also
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cause environmental problems.
For instance
, in
this
21th
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21st
show examples
 century, everyone wants to own their personal card,
due
Correct word choice
and due
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 to
this
emission
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emissions
show examples
toxic
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of toxic
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 gases are increasing at
a
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an
show examples
 alarming rate
such
 as
corbon
Correct your spelling
carbon
 dioxide and other.
Secondly
,
fridge
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the fridge
show examples
 is
very
Add an article
a very
the very
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 crucial gadget which can contain
the
Correct determiner usage
all
show examples
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
show examples
 of food for
a weeks
Correct the article-noun agreement
a week
weeks
show examples
. To explain, a survey was conducted by Cambridge University which concluded that nearly 70 per cent of individuals are working and they prefer to cook their food in advance and store it in the refrigerator for a long time.
Apart from
this
, televisions are
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 source of enjoyment and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 to entertain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family members without going out.
Last
 but not least, in bygone days, the masses
face
Wrong verb form
faced
show examples
 difficulties
to travel
Change preposition
in traveling
show examples
 from one place to another, but now navigating become easier with the help of cars.
To conclude
,
although
 technical developments
such
 as cars,
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 and
fridge
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fridges
show examples
 make
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 easier,
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
puts
Verb problem
have
show examples
 detrimental effects on nature
as well as
 on human
beings
Change noun form
beings'
being's
show examples
 health.
Submitted by svmaibcamaibs on

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coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, the main points should be more developed and transitions between them could be smoother.
task achievement
Specific examples to illustrate your points are sparse and sometimes not entirely relevant. Try to include more detailed examples that directly support your arguments to enhance clarity and effectiveness.
task achievement
The response somewhat addresses the prompt, but it is important to ensure all parts of the task are fully covered. Your essay could have examined both advantages and disadvantages more thoroughly and provided a more balanced view before reaching the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Please pay attention to grammatical range and accuracy. Errors in sentence structure, article usage, and prepositions are noticeable and reduce the clarity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Lastly, please ensure that you write a clear thesis statement in your introduction and that this thesis is reflected in your conclusion. This will help in improving the overall logical structure and coherence of your essay.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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