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Band 4

Nowadays, some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #retirement #communities #adult #children #development
Today, it is
common
Add an article
a common
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 belief that the old select to live in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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aged care placements after retirement. some people argue that it has negative effects.
However
, I think it will
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
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negative
Correct article usage
the negative
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 effects. It can be good
to
Change preposition
for
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 mental health and take the burden off their children. On the one hand, the elderly live in retirement,
Submitted by dlwhdgur6575 on

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task achievement
Although you have attempted to address the essay topic, your response remains incomplete and lacks a conclusion. Furthermore, you have not fully developed your arguments, and they need more support and explanation. Consider expanding your essay to include both sides of the argument in detail, giving sufficient reasons and examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay displays a lack of logical structure, and you have not provided a clear introduction and conclusion. The development of main points is insufficient and needs more coherence. Work on linking your ideas more effectively and use paragraphing to ensure that each main point is clearly presented and expanded upon.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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