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Band 5

Throughout history, people dream to live in a perfect society while they haven’t agreed what the ideal society would be like. What is the most important element you think makes a perfect society? What people do to achieve an ideal society?

#history #people #dream #society #haven’t #element
To live in peace and harmony is to live in a perfect
society
. The issue is that
people
 do not know where to start. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will be explaining what I believe is the key notion in achieving a perfect
society
.
Firstly
, empathy is a good first step to living in peace. If
people
 start to put themselves in each other's shoes
then
 they will come to terms with the fact that their actions affect other individuals.
This
 can be seen through the example of war: if the leaders in power had empathy for the men who would lose their lives during battle
as well as
 the families who would lose their fathers, sons or husbands
then
 they would come up with a different, more peaceful alternative which does not require
people
 dying.
This
 shows that empathy is a step forward in the goal of a perfect
society
.
Secondly
, listening skills would propel humankind
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 achieving the goal. As humans, we can be quick in defending our morals and beliefs which is why we tend to attack the counter party
instead
 of listening to their stance. There is no doubt that there are
people
 who have a stance
that is
 ethically incorrect and should be handled
accordingly
.
However
, in most cases, the act of listening to each other allows
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 to empathise and come to a mutual agreement
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the argument.
This
then
 lessens the risk of violent alternatives to solving the issue and allows for an increase in harmony in a community. In closing,
society
 still has a long way to go in achieving an ideal world but there are minute actions that any common person is able to learn that
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
 the chances of
society
 achieving
this
 task.
Submitted by tshenkengm on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. This essay tends to jump from one idea to another without clear logical connectors or transition sentences.
coherence cohesion
Take time in crafting an introduction that more clearly defines your thesis statement and previews the main points of your discussion. Similarly, the conclusion should clearly encapsulate your arguments and reiterate your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Extend your main points with a more thorough explanation, including more varied and detailed examples. The examples provided are somewhat brief and could be expanded upon to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Ensure that your response thoroughly addresses all aspects of the prompt. Elaborate further on how individuals can contribute to an ideal society, as the second part of the question was not sufficiently explored.
task achievement
Work on expressing ideas clearly and comprehensively. While some good points are made, they need to be fully fleshed out and communicated in a more engaging and thorough manner.
task achievement
In order to score higher in terms of relevant and specific examples, incorporate a richer variety of detailed instances that effectively illustrate your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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