IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

It is a natural process that animal species such as dinosaurs become extinct. There is no reason for people to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

#process #species #dinosaurs #reason #people
It is believed that a natural process that makes
animals
 like dinosaurs become extinct and there is no specific reason for humans to prevent it. I personally disagree with the situation.
Although
 we all can agree that a million years ago,
animals
such
 as dinosaurs and many other pre-historic
animals
 were wiped out
due to
 several natural disasters like climate changes or the rise of the sea level,
this
 is not the main factor that led to many
animals
' extinction nowadays. At present, it can be easy to see the increase in the amount of goods made from
animals
' products
such
 as skins and horns, leading to the endangered of many
animals
,
for instance
, rhinos and elephants.
As a result
, humans are a big contributor to
animals
' disappearance. Another reason that people may care about that,
animals
 not only balance the earth's ecosystem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 bring employment to many people in the world. Everything is connected, when an animal is extinct or dies, it interrupts other
animals
 and plant's food chain.
Animals
also
 contribute to the huge biodiversity of the planet, making it more beautiful.
On the other hand
, a large amount of farmers relied on
animals
 in their lives.
Animals
 can even become a country's icon,
for example
, the eagle stands for the freedom and the power of America. A single animal cannot affect a whole natural process, but protecting or preventing the extinction of an animal will have a severe influence on many important aspects of our lives.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
The essay could benefit from a stronger conclusion that reaffirms the main points discussed and gives a final statement of your view.
coherence
Some of the ideas could be organized more logically. Ensure that each main idea is fully developed before moving on to the next one.
task
Include more specific examples and data to strengthen your argument and provide clear evidence for your viewpoints.
task
Work on making your language and ideas more varied to avoid repetition and enhance readability.
task
Your essay addresses the task and provides a clear viewpoint with reasons and examples, which is good for task response.
coherence
The introduction clearly sets up the argument, and the body paragraphs each address a different aspect of the topic, which helps in maintaining a structured response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: