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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that success means earning a lot of money. Others believe that success is defined by personal happiness. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Recently, some individuals have considered that
success
Use synonyms
 means receiving a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others think that
success
Use synonyms
 depends on personal
happiness
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I consider
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that
success
Use synonyms
 means earning a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 to be more important and have more real meaning than the other side. On the one hand, there are a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who believe
success
Use synonyms
 means earning a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
, and I agree.
Firstly
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that because these days
money
Use synonyms
 is hard to find. To put it simply, earning
mony
Correct your spelling
money
 needs an effort.
For example
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, nowadays the rate of jobs in Egypt has decreased, so finding a job and getting a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 becomes difficult for normal
people
Use synonyms
.
as a result
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, somebody looks at the one who has a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 as a successful person.
Secondly
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, it is believed that the richest
people
Use synonyms
 in the world nowadays are successful.
On the other hand
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, most
people
Use synonyms
 think that
success
Use synonyms
 is defined by personal
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 say that
happiness
Use synonyms
 will keep
people
Use synonyms
 in a safe zone in terms of
health
Use synonyms
. to clarify,
happiness
Use synonyms
 is one of the most important reasons to save
health
Use synonyms
whereas
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people
Use synonyms
 who are happy often get longevity
consequently
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, they are considered successful
people
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because they can save the most important thing in life which is
health
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 think they are successful because they could save their
health
Use synonyms
 in the safe zone. Another point is that reaching the peak of
happiness
Use synonyms
 is by being
satisfiede
Correct your spelling
satisfied
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 what you have and proud of
yourselfe
Correct your spelling
yourself
.
To sum up
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,
although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 may vary in their opinion, I think that individuals who believe
success
Use synonyms
 means getting a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
. If
people
Use synonyms
 made themselves happy
while
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 they did not receive a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 they would regret it in the future and it would affect their future in a bad way

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the scope of the discussion, acknowledging both views on success before stating your own opinion. The conclusion should effectively summarize these views and restate your standpoint, creating a cohesive argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, use clear and concise topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Connect these ideas with appropriate transition words and maintain a logical flow throughout your essay.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples and explanations. Also, make sure to discuss both views in an unbiased way before giving your opinion. This shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Develop each idea fully to show a clear and comprehensive understanding of the topic. Avoid generalizations and instead provide detailed and relevant examples to back up your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial success
  • Personal happiness
  • Intrinsic measure
  • Contentment
  • Fulfillment
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Harmonious life
  • Career achievements
  • Social recognition
  • Subjective nature
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