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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The best ways to measure someone's success is to look at how mush money that person has. do you agree or disagree

#measure #someone #success #mush #money #person
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Some
people
 think that the best way to measure someone's success is to look at how much
money
 that person has. For me it's not the best way, sometimes it could be relevant, but mostly there are a lot of different criteria that can help us to judge how good
people
 are. First of all some deals can't be meter by how much
money
 they cost.
For example
, Leonardo Da Vinci made a lot of great discoveries
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and built pretty much new structures. He designed
how
Correct word choice
what
show examples
 modern cities would look like.
As a result
, nowadays most
people
 would agree he was a genius. It's impossible to calculate his contributions to
people
's history, as some of his innovations are still used today. And he wasn't rich at all.
On the other hand
, we know a bunch of stories about rich
people
 like Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos, who are known all around the world for their inventions.
Media
Correct article usage
The media
show examples
 tries to decide who's better depending on how much
money
 they have. And,
this
 could be correct for evaluating someone's career. But not all necessary jobs are paid well.
As a result
, the value of
money
 can be one of the criteria to measure success, but not the main one.
Usually
Add a comma
Usually,
show examples
 most things can't be just judged by how much
money
 they cost.
Submitted by cryptofarmboy on

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Task Achievement
You have to ensure that your essay directly addresses all parts of the task. While you mention alternative criteria for success, you need to provide a balanced view throughout and make your position clear in relation to the question prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay should follow a clear and logical structure. While you have some sense of organization, there's a need for clearer topic sentences and smoother transitions between ideas to guide the reader effortlessly from one point to the next.
Task Achievement
Support your points with specific examples where possible. While you referenced historical and contemporary figures, including more detailed examples can strengthen your argument and illustrate your point effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, your thesis statement and summarizing statements should clearly reflect your opinion regarding the prompt. Also, make sure to revisit the main points in the conclusion to reinforce your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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