Nowadays, young people are admiring media and sport stars, even though they do not set a good example. do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In
these moderen era
Change the determiner
this moderen era
these moderen eras
show examples
,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
started to be fans of artists or popular
athlets
Correct your spelling
athletes
,
although
they do not show
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
commendable action.
this
phenomenon happen based on the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
every person
has been used
Wrong verb form
is using
show examples
smartphones and now information is easy to obtain for the whole world. I personally think that
this
is a positive development.
to begin
with,
thecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
bring
Verb problem
has
show examples
so many
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
on society and it influences many
people
from
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
to children. Smartphones are the evidence that technology
now
Rephrase
nowadays
show examples
days
Correct your spelling
has
show examples
become high-tech, where
people
use
it to get information and they can
use
it easily. It leads them to broaden their main about
Add an article
the world
show examples
world
Change the noun form
worlds
show examples
such
as actors or
actris
Correct your spelling
actors
actress
from overseas and even
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
stars. Meanwhile,
people
tend to imitate their
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
or how they look,
for instance
, Korean
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
become popular in Indonesia and many youngsters
use
their style as a reference for styling their
look
Fix the agreement mistake
looks
show examples
such
as
colloring
Correct your spelling
colouring
hair.
However
, some of them do not give a good example to society and it is judged that will influence
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
.
For example
, some Indonesian artists
use
drugs to overcome their
tierd
Correct your spelling
tired
felling
Correct your spelling
feelings
show examples
, It brings options to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
how tackle their
promblem
Correct your spelling
problem
. In terms of development ,
this
is bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
us to know about the various
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
in many places. It is better to know and support the stars especially when it comes to
proffesional athlets
Correct your spelling
professional athletes
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
people
, It will encourage them to do as
better
Rephrase
well
show examples
as their
idol
Fix the agreement mistake
idols
show examples
. As a human
being
Add a comma
being,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
do believe that we have
an
Change the article
the
show examples
ability to
fillter
Correct your spelling
filter
everything from media and having a
broaden
Replace the word
broad
show examples
knowledge can lead to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a better life.
To sum up
,
this
is a positive development because
comunities
Correct your spelling
communities
will have a big
knowlendge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
and some will be influenced to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
right path in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear structure. Ensure that each paragraph has a distinct main idea and that these ideas connect logically to form a coherent argument. Use a range of linking phrases for better flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion should clearly address the question prompt. State your opinion explicitly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for a stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific details or examples. Avoid general statements and provide clear evidence or reasoning for your arguments.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task. Ensure that your essay responds directly to the question asked, and develop your ideas fully with detailed examples where appropriate.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas for better understanding. Avoid vague statements and ensure that your arguments are explained comprehensively and clearly.
task achievement
Use relevant, specific examples to support your points. This will help illustrate your argument and make it more convincing to the reader.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: