IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Lots of place in this world rely on tourism as a main source of income . Do this trend advantages of outweigh disadvantages?

#lots #place #world #tourism #source #income #trend
Any
people
 believe that New
Year
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 famous holiday for them. The aim of the project I am currently working on is to find ways of celebrating
New
Correct article usage
the New
show examples
Year
 of young
people
 in Zetland. As a part of my project, I have found and analyzed several information and present it in the table.
According to
 the data,
people
 have quite a wide range of variants to celebrate the New
Year
.
It is clear that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of the respondents prefer having a family dinner as the best way to celebrate Holiday (60
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
), but it is suddenly that
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 to another city or country is not popular
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
at
Change preposition
among
show examples
 the residents of cold countries (2
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
).
However
, going for a walk with friends have only 17
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 way to celebrate New
Year
, it is suddenly for me. I am sad that many young
people
 prefer eating out in the café as
the
Change the word
their
show examples
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 way of celebrating the holiday. I believe that they can gain more emotions and receive more joy if they
will be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 travelling or going for a walk. One problem
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
people
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not prefer to gain new experience. I believe that travelling to another city or country can give more emotions
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
having a party
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 eat in the café. I think that young
people
 need to celebrate New
Year
 not
like
Change preposition
unlike
show examples
 all
another holidays
Replace the adjective
another holiday
other holidays
show examples
. My
suggest
Replace the word
suggestion
show examples
 is a organize many travelling
tour
Change to a plural noun
tours
show examples
 in the holidays
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 normal prices. In conclusion, I believe that in the future many young
people
 will celebrate New
Year
more
Change preposition
in more
show examples
 interesting kind of ways.
Submitted by dulskywork on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay needs to address the given topic directly. This essay seems to have deviated from the provided topic regarding the advantages and disadvantages of tourism on economies and instead discusses New Year's celebrations in Zetland. It is essential to adhere strictly to the prompt provided and to fully develop a response to that prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure requires significant improvement. Including an introductory paragraph that outlines the topic and a conclusion that summarizes the main points is essential for coherence and cohesion. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and the ideas are logically organized and linked.
task achievement
Provide clear examples to support your points. This essay lacks clear examples and evidence to support the statements made, making it difficult to gauge the relevance of the content in relation to the initial topic given. Incorporate specific examples that align with the topic of tourism's impact on economies and whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: