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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Being a celebrity, such as a famous film star or sports personality, brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

#celebrity #film #star #sports #personality
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Being a famous person,
such
 as a movie star or sports athlete, has many disadvantages and advantages.
Although
 famous people will earn more
money
, I believe that there are more drawbacks because famous people will not be safe in public places. The biggest advantage is that well-known
individuals
 will earn loads of
money
.
This
 is because they will get colossal amounts of
money
 from their sponsors for promoting their products,
such
 as mobile phones, laptops or cars.
As a result
, notable
individuals
 will become affluent around the nation. Floyd Mayweather,
for instance
, is a famous boxer
as well as
 a wealthy person in the United States of America. Each year he gets around millions of dollars from Burger Kings and Rolls Royal sponsors for promoting their products during boxing matches.
However
, I believe that famous celebrities face huge problems whenever they go out because their frenzied fans will annoy them. The major drawback is that famous
individuals
’ lives will be in danger in common places.
This
 is because their foes will try to harm them whenever they go out either alone or with their family members,
such
 as in parks or malls.
As a result
, they will have to hire some security guards to protect themselves against vicious-minded
individuals
. Jennifer Lopez,
for instance
, always goes out with five bodyguards. The reason is that in the past, some deranged fans attacked her in
New
Correct article usage
a New
show examples
 York park and broke her left arm.
Therefore
, I believe that celebrities always face difficulties in common places because someone will assault them. In conclusion,
although
 well-known
individuals
 earn big amounts of
money
 from sponsors, notable people’s lives will be in danger because evil-minded people will harm them. For these reasons, I believe that drawbacks are more than benefits.
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coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, but your main points could be more fully developed and supported with a broader range of examples.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that this is expanded upon. Aim to provide more varied examples, not only focused on high-profile celebrities but potentially considering different types of famous individuals.
task achievement
You have presented a reasonable argument with examples, but these could be strengthened. Expand on your ideas and provide more detailed examples to fully address the question and ensure a more complete response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Public scrutiny
  • Intrusive
  • Endorsements
  • Sponsorships
  • Financial security
  • High-profile collaborations
  • Social influence
  • Philanthropic efforts
  • Trust issues
  • Mental health challenges
  • Substance abuse
  • Pressures of celebrity
  • Expectations
  • Disconnect from reality
  • Normalcy
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