IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say that ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
The
population
 in most parts of the world is ageing;
people
 are living longer and there are fewer younger
people
 in many places as birth rates fall.
This
 phenomenon has pros and cons, but
this
 essay will contend that, on balance, the advantages of having an older
population
 outweigh the negatives. The first issue that occurs to many
people
 when considering the ageing
population
 is the expense. If
people
 live longer, they may have more than 30 years of retirement and may need to be supported financially by the government or their families. If they experience age-related illness,
this
 impacts the health system and takes up resources needed by other
people
 in society. What’s more, when older
people
 are financially independent, it might be hard for younger
people
 if they have to compete to get a foot in the door of the housing market or gain employment. That being said, older
people
 have a lot to contribute in terms of wisdom, experience and skills. Many
people
 are active and productive for longer than their counterparts were 50 years ago and are an asset to the economy and society well into their old age. They are able to work for longer and after
retirement
Add a comma
retirement,
show examples
 they contribute in
may
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
 ways too,
such
 as by doing charitable work, spending money as consumers and supporting their families. Grandparents often care for their young grandchildren, making it easier for both parents to work.
While
 it is true that an ageing
population
 poses challenges for the government,
it is clear that
 these are outweighed by the significant benefits that
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 bring to society.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay provides a relatively clear position throughout, and it aligns with the task's requirement to discuss the extent the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Nonetheless, the arguments could be more fully extended and substantiated with specific examples to enhance the completeness of your response. Moreover, aim for a more nuanced conclusion that reflects the complexity of the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear organization of ideas and effective use of cohesive devices which benefits the overall logical structure. Making a more explicit link between main points and the thesis statement, as well as varying the transitions between ideas, could further improve coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: