IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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While
 some
people
 see
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 as an issue for the
government
, I believe the opposite because the presence of
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
show examples
 population indicates that a
country
 has a high happiness
rate
. In my opinion, it outweighs the drawbacks. Admittedly, the more ageing
people
 in a
country
, the more burden
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take as they need to allocate their money to help
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
.
While
this
 seems to bring no problems, preparing a huge sum of expenses to fund a generation
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 is no longer productive may hinder the development
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 other major aspects
such
 as public facilities and younger human resources.
For instance
, in my
country
, the slow development of ready-for-job human resources is partly caused by
unbalanced
Correct article usage
the unbalanced
show examples
 allocation the
government
 has to make to accommodate the pension funds for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
.
As a result
, the unemployment rates surge as the elderly
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 too old for the jobs
while
 the younger ones lack skills and experience.
However
, the presence of elderly in the society can
also
 mean that the
overall
 well-being
rate
 is amazing. When
people
 live longer, it means that they are sufficient
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their needs.
This
 is especially true as a
lot
Add the preposition
lot of
show examples
 studies have now associated life sufficiency with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good well-being, meaning that the more ageing population, the higher their contentment
rate
. Finland,
for example
, has been rewarded as a
country
 with the highest happiness
rate
 because over 40% of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 population aged beyond 70 years
while
 still being fit and healthy.
This
 indicates that having more numbers of elderly is beneficial as it speaks about how well a
country
 is managed. In conclusion,
while
 more ageing
people
 means more burden for the
government
, in other cases it indicates a high
rate
 of
overall
 happiness, which is more important.
Submitted by joyapakpahan on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea supported by examples.
task achievement
Work on providing specific, detailed examples to support each point made.
task achievement
While the response provides an answer to the question, the conclusion could be stronger by summarizing both sides of the argument more clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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