IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that government should change they way individual live, while others believe that they should choose the way themselves. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.

#people #government #change #points
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There has been a debate on whether the government should change the way people live or give them the
freedom
Use synonyms
 to determine their way of life. In my opinion, it is a part of basic human rights and the state should support
this
Linking Words
. On the one hand, national security is the main reason why governments should regulate people's
lives
Use synonyms
. Since the government is the highest authority at the national level, it is crucial to manage their population for the sake of nationalism. China is one of the most compelling examples of
this
Linking Words
.
Although
Linking Words
 there has been a debate on data security, the ability of the authority to access the private data of its citizens has numerous benefits for security reasons. Using
this
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 big data, the authority can easily detect some groups of people who want to rebel against the nation,
such
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 as separatism and terrorism.
However
Linking Words
, I am of the opinion that
this
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 kind of regulation is a form of restriction on
freedom
Use synonyms
 of speech as the basic right of every individual.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
argue that society should have the
freedom
Use synonyms
 to determine their
lives
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that it is a part of human rights. In
this
Linking Words
 concept, that applied in many liberal countries across the world, individuals have the ability to fulfil their desires and their potential. The main purpose of the states is to ensure and facilitate their citizens to reach their goals as long as do not contradict public interests. In many European countries,
for instance
Linking Words
, governments can differentiate between the public and private domains.
Therefore
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, I argue that governments should not interfere private
lives
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 of individuals and
instead
Linking Words
 support them with excellent public amenities.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there are some countries that manage their citizen's
lives
Use synonyms
, I argue that the main role of the government is to give its society
freedom
Use synonyms
 to choose the way they live because
this
Linking Words
 is their fundamental right.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents well-balanced views on both sides of the argument, which is excellent. To further enhance your essay, try to incorporate a wider range of linking devices to improve flow between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Providing more concrete examples or evidence to support your arguments could make your essay more compelling. While you mentioned China and European countries, adding specific incidents or data would strengthen your points.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize your opinion and the discussion, underscoring your stance on the issue.
logical structure
You maintained a logical structure throughout your essay, making it easy for readers to follow your line of reasoning.
clear comprehensive ideas
You have a robust handling of the topic, and you communicate your ideas clearly and comprehensively, which is key to a high score in task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • governmental intervention
  • sustainable living
  • lifestyle choices
  • implementing taxes
  • enforcing regulations
  • personal freedom
  • individual responsibility
  • systemic issues
  • public health crises
  • loss of personal freedoms
  • behavioral change
  • framework for a healthy environment
  • judicious blend
  • protect public health
  • respect individual freedoms
  • encourage personal responsibility
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