All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity, How could it be tackled?
There is a huge
problem
that obese people
who are from all over the world face. Both children and adults are influenced by this
problem
. There are different reasons for the increase in obesity
day
by day
and also
some acceptable solutions to diminish this
problem
.
To begin
with, obesity
can emerge from several factors which stem from unordinary nutrition and declined exercise hours. The majority of people
continue daily life
with a routine however
that does not include a healthy diet and doing sport in both their own and their children's life
. They live in hustle
and bustle of Correct article usage
the hustle
life
so that
they suffer from limited time. Correct word choice
apply
Therefore
, even if they pay attention to their meal time, they generally prefer fast food or unhealthy food that they can cook quickly. Furthermore
, they do not care about their physical exercise due to
the same reason.
Moreover
, solving this
problem
is crucial for individuals to maintain their life
properly and without Fix the agreement mistake
lives
need
someone else. Change the verb form
needing
People
can create a list weekly which comprises what they eat every single day
. They may allocate only three hours in
a specific Change preposition
on
day
to prepare their meal according to
the list for all
week. Correct determiner usage
the
In addition
, they can decrease their sleep time just
thirty minutes that are used for basic exercises Change preposition
by just
such
as running or only walking. Even this
simple things can make Correct determiner usage
these
huge
impact on Add an article
a huge
number
of Change the article
a number
the number
people
suffer
from Wrong verb form
suffering
obesity
. Take people
, who live in Amsterdam, they protect themselves obesity
thanks to a habit which is cycling they use always go to work or anywhere else.
Change preposition
from obesity
To conclude
, there are huge problems stemming from societies' wrong habits however
they can handle it for both themselves and their children.Submitted by ilknurkaradmn on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Your introduction and conclusion were present but could be more impactful by summarizing the main points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas logically, using paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and employing linking words to help the reader see the connection between them.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with clear and detailed examples. In this essay, the examples provided were not entirely relevant or specific enough to illustrate the points effectively.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task. The essay did not fully explore the reasons for the rise in obesity or provide a range of solutions; develop your points in more detail.
task achievement
Express your ideas clearly and develop them comprehensively. Several ideas in the essay were underdeveloped, and the command of English affected the clarity of expression in some instances.
task achievement
Use specific examples and details to support your arguments. The essay would benefit from more relevant examples to demonstrate understanding and provide practical solutions to the problem of obesity.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example