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Writing Samples /
Band 6

At present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
The proportion of youth, adults, and senior citizens in the population varies. In some countries, the younger generation outnumbers the elderly population.
Although
,
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apply
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this
 situation may lead high unemployment rate, it allows countries to adapt to the new World and create a highly efficient workforce and I believe
this
 benefit outweighs any potential drawback. One disadvantage of having large numbers of young
people
 in the population is it can lead to high unemployment and competition among them. Most of the older
people
 already have completed their careers and
retired
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are retired
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while
 the other older
people
 have stable jobs or run their own businesses. In comparison, many young adults, especially those who just graduated from university, are still looking for jobs. When there are too many of them competing for the same positions, their chances of success can be very low.
However
, I do not think
this
 major disadvantage for young
people
 as long as they make the leaps to self-employment. On the positive side, young
people
 are the driving force of an economy.
This
 is because they tend to be more productive and creative than older
people
 and
thus
 are more likely to bring change and innovation to their countries. Take
for example
 the highly innovative U.S. company that has really high profits throughout the year, has most of their employees only in their late 20s. I think
this
 creates a great advantage for a country because a strong economy offers
people
 high standards of living. In conclusion,
although
 the large numbers of young adults can mean high jobless rates among them, I believe
this
 disadvantage is greatly outweighed by the advantage that they can drive an economy to grow.
Submitted by asik.melliss on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that all parts of the task are addressed equally. This essay seems to have focused more on the advantages, potentially creating an imbalance. A more equal discussion of both advantages and disadvantages would strengthen the response.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make better use of linking phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs, and organize points more logically. The transition between the disadvantage and advantage discussed is abrupt and requires smoother linkage.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points with a variety of supporting examples and data. The use of a single company example is limiting; incorporating more diverse examples and evidence would make the argument stronger.
Lexical Resource
The use of complex sentence structures and a range of vocabulary can enhance the lexical resource score. Aim for clarity and precision in language use.
Task Achievement
Be cautious with general statements about age groups and productivity; such claims require substantial evidence and a nuanced approach, as overgeneralization may not reflect the complexities of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The concluding paragraph should summarize both sides of the argument, reflecting the balance discussed in the body paragraphs, thus ensuring a more solid conclusion to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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