IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Serious violent crimes among people who are under 18 are becoming more common. Some people think that children who commit serious crimes should be treated like like adults,while others would say they should be rehabilitated. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#crimes #people #children #adults
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Major violence offences are being carried out by children more often.
While
 some would argue that they should get the same treatment as
as
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
grown-ups because
this
 would ensure that the
victims
 are given justice, I believe that they are not old enough to understand what they are doing, and rehabilitation is a better option. On the one hand, treating underaged criminals like they are full-grown adults gives
victims
 justice. Someone who has lost a loved one or obtained a disabling injury would prefer to witness the offender being sentenced to prison regardless of age. The damage is caused and cannot be reversed.
For example
, recently two high school students sexually assaulted a junior school mate and the victim
together with
 her family was only left assured after the judge gave the verdict to sentence them
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 imprisonment.
However
, I believe that a criminal's age should be taken into consideration because they are not mature enough to understand better.
On the other hand
, it is thought that children who carry out acts of violence are not aware of their actions and are often misled by their wrong
upbringings
Fix the agreement mistake
upbringing
show examples
. A young child does not know, to the same degree as adults, that their violent actions will result in death or
life threatening
Add a hyphen
life-threatening
show examples
 injuries.
This
 is why young murderers in the United Kingdom are rehabilitated and given new identities so that they can live
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
normal adult
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 outside of prison. I believe that
this
 is a preferable option because it helps the
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 reform and ensures that they do not continue those serious crimes again. In conclusion,
although
 sending young criminals to prisons gives
victims
 some justice and grievances, the criminals themselves should
also
 be seen as
victims
 as they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 not capable of understanding the extent of their actions.
Hence
, trying to assist them in becoming a model citizen again is a more appropriate option
Submitted by MS Tha on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic that is expanded with relevant details. Some paragraphs may benefit from more explicit topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs more effectively. While there is some use of linking words, further variety and sophistication in their use could enhance the cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the task, providing more specific examples and a more detailed exploration of ideas could strengthen your position. Make sure your opinion is not only present but is fully developed throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: