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Band 5.5

It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct. There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

#process #species #reason #people
It is commonly argued that
extinction
Correct article usage
the extinction
show examples
 of animal
species
 is indeed a natural phenomenon;
therefore
, some people think that there is no reason for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 to prevent
this
 situation. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
 view for a variety of reasons.
To begin
 with, one of the causes affecting animal life is human activity. Several millennia ago, there were many diverse
species
 of animals in significant numbers that included mammoths, giant water pythons, megalodons,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Dodo,...
ect
Correct your spelling
etc
. Until industrialization appeared, it was
also
 the time when people made the most out of natural resources to manufacture. That has affected remarkably to environment on the world
such
 as deforestation, pollution, habitat destruction, and global warming.
Consequencely
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, the living environment of many animals was changing rapidly, making it impossible for them to adapt;
as a result
 of the loss of numerous animal
species
.
Furthermore
, animal
species
 play an important role in the balance of ecosystems. Each type of animal makes a unique contribution to the ecological system so that if any animals suddenly disappear, it can have severe consequences for the entire ecosystem. A particularly good example here is food nets in the animal world defined in biology.
This
 is described as follows: grass is eaten by grasshoppers, mice will eat grasshoppers,
then
 mice will be food for snakes and hawks. If one of these
species
Add a missing verb
is extincted
show examples
extincted
Correct your spelling
extinct
extinction
, it will make serious affection to animal source distribution.
Therefore
, preventing animal extinctions is vital to preserving the delicate balance of ecosystems and ensuring their proper functioning. In conclusion,
although
 animal
species
 become extinct being a natural phenomenon, I believe that the community have a moral responsibility to take action to prevent the extinction of animal
species
.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure that the essay has a clear and logical structure from introduction to conclusion. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more impactful. The body paragraphs must be better organized to improve flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with detailed and relevant examples. The essay sometimes makes assertions without fully illustrating them with specific examples or evidence. Improve this by providing clear examples that directly support the points made.
task achievement
Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. The essay has responded to the prompt, but occasionally drifts into generalized statements rather than staying focused on the key question about preventing extinction.
task achievement
Enhance the clarity of the ideas presented by ensuring they are comprehensive and well-explained throughout the essay. Aim to clearly express the main ideas in each paragraph and elaborate on them with detail.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate points. The essay mentions historical animal species and food nets, which are relevant, but more specific modern-day examples related to human impact on extinctions would strengthen the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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