Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is the case? Do you think it is a positive oo negitive development
The younger generation is widely regarded as a crucial resource for any society. In contemporary times, a significant proportion of young individuals devote a substantial amount of their daily hours to using smartphones. I firmly believe that there are various factors contributing to
this
unfavorable
trend.
Primarily, the prevalence of nuclear Change the spelling
unfavourable
families
is a key factor driving this
prevalent behavior
. With the ongoing trend of having smaller Change the spelling
behaviour
families
, children
find themselves lacking in familial companionship. In such
smaller family units, parents
often find themselves constrained by demanding professional obligations, leaving them with little time
to engage with their children
. In contrast
, in the past, when families
typically consisted of more members, children
would frequently spend time
with their grandparents, who would take them to parks for recreational activities and exposure to the natural environment.
From my perspective, this
inclination towards excessive smartphone usage has adverse implications for personal relationships. Youngsters increasingly prioritize their digital devices over spending time
with their parents
, friends
, or engaging in real-life interactions. Rather than confiding in their Correct word choice
and friends
parents
about their concerns, they prefer seeking advice from virtual assistants on their smartphones. This
shift is exemplified in a recent survey pertaining to technology and familial bonds, which revealed that a significant majority of respondents struggled to recall the last
meaningful conversation they had with their family members,
Remove the comma
apply
while
maintaining regular communication with their virtual acquaintances.
In conclusion, the prevalence of smaller families
undoubtedly plays a significant role in fostering this
detrimental trend. Consequently
, it is imperative for parents
to allocate sufficient time
for their children
, thereby reducing the excessive hours that young people currently spend on their smartphones.Submitted by dhillonroop544 on
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task achievement
Ensure that all parts of the question are addressed thoroughly, providing balanced coverage. Your essay seems to focus more on the causative aspects and less on whether this development is positive or negative. Consequently, the ideas appear imbalanced and lack depth in evaluation of the smartphone usage's implications.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear, logical paragraphs, each with a main idea and supporting sentences. While some structure is present, the connections between ideas could be strengthened with clearer topic sentences and more explicit linking of ideas and examples.
task achievement
Try to expand on your main points with specific examples that are directly relevant to the question. Although the essay provides general observations, there is a need for more tangible examples that illustrate the points being made, increasing the effectiveness and persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, ensure that they clearly frame the essay's central argument and succinctly summarize the key points, respectively. The introduction could include a clearer thesis statement, while the conclusion should reinforce the main argument more robustly.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite