IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Some think they should begin at at least 7 years old. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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One of the social concerns today relates to
education
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.
While
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 it is widely believed that
children
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 need to be sent to
school
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 at four years old, others think that they should start
school
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 at the age of seven. I’m going to discuss these opposing points of view. In my opinion,
in addition
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 to affecting relationships, going to
school
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 at 7 has some benefits for
children
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. On the one hand, starting
education
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 at an early age can obstacle communication between family members. Family is the most important factor in
children
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's development. It's about upbringing, care and emotional influence. Letting
children
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 grow up obediently and understand how life happens depends on the teaching from their
parents
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. If
children
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 are separated from their
families
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 too early and only receive knowledge from
school
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, they have just received advanced
education
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 but do not have intimate communication with their
families
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.
For example
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, there were a number of movies that portray the situation of educated
families
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,
parents
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 let their kids focus on studying too early when they just knew to run and talk. The consequence later is that the child's psychological aspect is not emotional when they are close to their
parents
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.
That is
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 because they have not been directly exposed to or taught by their
families
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 for a long time.
On the other hand
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, starting
school
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 early has some advantages.
Firstly
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,
children
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 can get familiar with the learning environment early and
also
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 nurture good behaviour
such
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 as self-sufficiency and respect towards adults.
Secondly
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, new knowledge which the kids get is the most permenant information. Because there are some researchings about that toddlers are the most suitable age for starting
school
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, they can understand some simple learnings faster than teenagers and older ages. In conclusion, starting
school
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 early has advantages for academic success and disadvantages for relationships betweens
parents
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 and
children
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. In my opinion,
parents
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 have the responsibility to let their kids adopt
education
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 and ensure they have absorbed knowledge in
school
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.

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introduction conclusion presence
Your introduction provides a good foundation for the topic, but it lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines your main points. Additionally, your conclusion should restate your thesis and summarize the main points of the essay more clearly. Aim to provide a cohesive summary in your conclusion that encapsulates your overall argument.
logical structure
The essay shows some level of organization. However, the logical progression of ideas can be improved. Transitional phrases should be used more effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs. Strive to clearly separate and organize points in a way that seamlessly guides the reader through your argument.
supported main points
You've included relevant main points, but support them further with specific examples and evidence. Each main point should have a clear example or explanation to illustrate its relevance and to enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
complete response
While you have answered the prompt, the response could be expanded upon to fully address the task. Ensure a balanced discussion of both views and your own opinion. Aim to provide a more elaborate explanation of your stance, substantiating it with detailed arguments and examples.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay does include clear ideas, but they could be expressed more comprehensively. Work on developing your points fully with more elaboration and depth. This will provide a more thorough understanding of your perspective on the topic.
relevant specific examples
The use of examples is good, but they need to be more specific and directly relevant to your argument. Include data, research, or hypothetical scenarios that are directly tied to the point you're discussing to enhance the credibility of your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • social development
  • structured learning environments
  • essential skills
  • reading, writing, and arithmetic
  • social norms
  • undue stress and pressure
  • natural curiosity and creativity
  • unstructured play
  • emotional and psychological development
  • mature
  • rigors of formal education
  • natural developmental timeline
  • life skills
  • decision-making
  • problem-solving
  • informal learning
  • structured educational system
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