IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is the case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development

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There is no denying the fact that many
children
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 these days use their phones for
hours
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. It is a commonly held belief that
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
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hours
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of
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apply
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using smartphones could create a positive
affect
Correct your spelling
effect
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in
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on
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children
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, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 idea.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On one hand, as technology continues to advance, it
is allow
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allows
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children
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 to learn new things.
In other words
Linking Words
, with all the improvement of technologies, which can teach anything more easily.
In addition
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, it
provide
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provides
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 various resources and ways to learn complex math and theory,
for example
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.
For example
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, if
children
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 implement
this
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 approach
for
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to
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 teach themselves and learn new insights and topics, they will have an extraordinary
expanding
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expansion
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 of their mindsets.
On the other hand
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, some people tend to believe that kids ought not to spend
hours
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 on their smart devices, since it may cause bad
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 for them. It is
also
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 possible to say that, people who spend
many
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apply
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times
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time
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 scrolling through their smartphones, especially
the
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apply
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kids tend to be lazy and less effective.
Moreover
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,
this
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 will definitely affect their health and make them less
resistance
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resistant
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 to diseases.
For instance
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, if
children
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set
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sit
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 on their phones watching movies for
hours
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, they may gain weight and
isolated
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be isolated
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 from others. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance, I tend to believe that striking a balance between doing activities and
learn
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learning
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 useful things
with
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while
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 spending less time on phones to play or watching series, is a key to
rise
Verb problem
raising
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 kids to be
a
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apply
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good
member
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members
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 in the future.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay displays some level of logical structure, but there is room for improvement. To enhance the flow of your essay, consider creating clearer connections between your paragraphs and ideas. Make sure each paragraph delves into a single main point and use cohesive devices accurately to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, however, these could be more impactful. The introduction should more directly address the topic and question, setting out your position or main points clearly. The conclusion should succinctly summarise your main points and restate your opinion, giving the reader a sense of closure.
coherence cohesion
While you have attempted to support your main points, the support could be stronger and more developed. Use clearer and more specific examples to back up your points. Each main idea should be expanded upon with evidence or examples that reinforce your argument.
task achievement
You have completed the task, but there is a lack of depth in your response. Aim to develop your ideas fully and explain your points more comprehensively. Each paragraph should clearly relate back to the question and explore the topic in detail.
task achievement
The clarity of your essay can be improved. Ensure that your ideas are expressed concisely and coherently. Avoid ambiguous statements and structure your sentences to directly convey your thoughts.
task achievement
Your essay requires more relevant and specific examples. Use concrete evidence and real-world scenarios to illustrate your points and make them more persuasive. Avoid general statements and aim to provide detailed examples that are directly related to the topic.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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