IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many young people now know more about international pop and movie stars than famous people in the history of their countries. What are the causes? Give solutions to increase the number of people to know about famous people in history. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Currently, young
people
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 are more interested in international pop and movie artists than important characters in the national history of their countries.
Overall
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, there are two main reasons: the high power of social
media
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 to influence
people
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 and the deficient educational system, unable to attract youngsters. It is known that young
people
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 are easily affected by social
media
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 over the
Internet
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such
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 as Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok.
This
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 kind of software has become more and more addictive, especially for kids and teenagers. Many of these social
media
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 use algorithms to send content that combines with the lasted views and involves the students in a way that it is impossible to stop to watch.
For example
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, many teenagers know everything about singers like Taylor Swift or football players like Cristiano Ronaldo than important
people
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 like Marie Curie or Martin Luther King.
On the other hand
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, teachers and educational professionals are still using antique methods that do not work anymore today. Most students think the classes are uninteresting. Some schools are trying to implement new resources to improve the scholar’s engagement.
For instance
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, some institutions are using electronic boards
instead
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 of traditional blackboards and using the
Internet
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 for homework. These facts contribute to making international celebrities more known than historical figures for young
people
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. A possible solution to
this
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 issue can be trying to bring into the schools, new methods of teaching history and making classes more interesting, through activities like theatre, making short movies by the students, and using the
Internet
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 and resources
such
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 as social
media
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. Another solution can be more parental control over what the children consume on the
Internet
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.
To conclude
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, I believe that it is a problem for new generations that can cause a lack of knowledge. The solution is improving the way of teaching and learning and controlling what their kids watch on the
Internet
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic which is developed, rather than introducing new topics within a single paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical progression of ideas; make sure to use a variety of cohesive devices (linking words) appropriately and improve paragraphing.
task achievement
Although the task is addressed, there are some lapses in focus, and the main idea could be expanded with more specific examples and details for better clarity and development.
task achievement
To fully satisfy the task response criteria, expand on the reasons behind the phenomenon and the suggested solutions, ensuring that ideas are explained in depth and the response is fully developed.
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