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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time.

The table shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time.
#obesity #rate #country #period #time
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The line graph provides information on the proportion of obesity from 1971 to 2005, in one country.
Overall
Linking Words
, there was an upward trend of obesity rate for every
age
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group
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 over the timeframe. The
age
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group
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 of 30-40 remained fairly stable, until
rised
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risen
raised
 dramatically to slightly over 20.0
percent
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per cent
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 in 1999 and remained rising slowly to reach approximately 25
percent
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per cent
show examples
. The groups of 45 - 64 and 65 - 74, both remain the same from 1971 to 1976, hovering at around less than 20%. In 1999 both
age
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groups
Change noun form
groups'
group's
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ratio
Fix the agreement mistake
ratios
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 increased sharply to 35
percent
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per cent
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. The
age
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group
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 above 64 showed a gradual
dicline
Correct your spelling
decline
 in 2003 before it
leap
Wrong verb form
leapt
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 once again to 35% in 2005.
In
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On
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 the other hand, the
age
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group
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 between 45 to 64 continued to grow to 40% in 2005.
However
Linking Words
, the younger
age
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group
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 started with
lower
Correct article usage
a lower
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 fatness rate at less than 10% in 1971. In 1999 it
experinced
Correct your spelling
experienced
 a significant growth to around 20%. It continued to rise modestly to reach 25% in 2005.
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rised" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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