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Writing Samples
Band 7

Wild animals have no place in the 21st century, so protecting them is a waste of resources. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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To some, the animals living in the wildlife should not be protected, and doing so is considered throwing resources out the window. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. Wildlife is beautiful and can provide a lot to humans , and our responsibility is to protect the creatures in danger from the damage we cause.
Firstly
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, the beasts need to be sheltered from any human activity that could disturb their well-being. They obviously provide a lot to our society, for many reasons. One of them is that they tend to be very elegant and beautiful, which encourages people to observe them, either on television or in real life. Many depend on the tourism brought by
this
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 wildlife.
For instance
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, many African countries,
such
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 as Uganda, base a part of their economy on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
safaris and visitors willing to discover the richness of the world.
Secondly
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, not only do humans have a responsibility for their protection, but they are
also
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 part of the earth, where no one has the right to consider whether a living being should live or not.
Furthermore
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, Humans have caused many troubles for creatures.
For example
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, in the Mauritius Islands, the Dodo birds once lived, which our ancestors ended up exterminating, since they were easy to chase.
Then
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, no criteria can justify whether an animal has a place in our world. The human is a living being among others , and no hierarchy should exist. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly think that we are highly illegitimate to choose by ourselves. The thesis seems illogical since we are not ourselves in the debate , and
that is
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 why I disagree. Many species will outlive ours. In my opinion, it is important to reconsider our place in the world.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more direct in each body paragraph. Put the topic sentence first, then explain it.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some parts jump too fast from one idea to another.
task achievement
Develop each point a little more so the reader can see exactly why you disagree.
task achievement
Keep your examples clear and closely tied to your main point.
task achievement
Avoid very general lines in the end. Make the final view simple and clear.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has two main body paragraphs, and each has one main focus.
task achievement
You answer the question and give a clear opinion: you strongly disagree.
task achievement
You use real examples like Uganda and the dodo bird, which helps your ideas.
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