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Band 4.5

Everyone should stay in school until they reach the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school #age
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Commonly in every country,
students
 should continue studying at
school
 until they are 18. In my opinion, staying in
school
 for
this
 amount of time can be beneficial to teenagers for several reasons which I discussed in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, finishing
school
 at a younger age , makes the kids spend more time at home which leads to laziness.
Also
, they will suffer from a lack of experience and knowledge. That will make them less confident and pointless in their life .
Thus
, a sense of depression will follow them during the point of their life in which they have to decide about their future.
For example
, surely these less educated and inexperienced
students
 will have problems finding suitable jobs for themselves.
On the other hand
, the
students
 who spend their teenage years in
school
 will be well-educated. So, they will be able to find their interests more wisely and start their career based on what they love and are passionate about.
Also
, you will be well-prepared for
further
 studies at university.
Furthermore
, These
students
 will be more socialized by being more involved with their
school
 friends,
For instance
, when participating in teamwork with classmates,
students
 should deal with different types of characters which will be extremely beneficial to
students
' communication behaviour. In conclusion, I argue that there are a lot of effective and positive impacts of spending teenage years in
school
 which can tackle major difficulties
students
 might face in the future .
Submitted by amirrezadelghandi3 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear logical structure by logically organizing ideas and paragraphs. Make use of transitional words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, work on strengthening the thesis statement and making the conclusion more impactful by succinctly summarizing the essay's main points and re-emphasising your stance.
coherence cohesion
Substantiate your main points with clear and specific examples. Avoid general statements that do not offer tangible evidence to support your argument.
task achievement
Ensure the essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. Expand on your ideas by providing more detailed explanations, and ensure that your argument progresses logically throughout the essay.
task achievement
Strive to communicate ideas more clearly and comprehensively by expanding on the reasoning behind your arguments, thus providing more depth to your essay.
task achievement
Utilize relevant and specific examples to back up your points. This will make your essay more convincing and give real-world context to your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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