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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some schools are very strict about their school uniforms and the appearance of their pupils, while other schools have a very relaxed dress code. Which approach do you think has more advantages? Are there any disadvantages to children having a school uniform?

#schools #school #uniforms #appearance #pupils #dress #code #approach #children #uniform
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Few educational institutes are stringent in following
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
uniform
 policies
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
affects
Change the verb form
affect
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 the
overall
 appearance of the
students
.
While
 Other institutes follow a more relaxed dress code. I believe wearing
school
 attire possesses more pros like equality among
students
 but in
this
 essay, we will explore the topic and elaborate on why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. On the positive side,
School
 uniforms give a sense of equality to
students
 who are studying in that
school
. During
school
 time they will have an increased concentration on their studies, rather than having a discussion about the kind of clothes an individual is wearing which
further
 leads to discrimination based upon the family income and affects the psychological behavior of
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
. Another benefit is that
,
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apply
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 it helps in providing additional safety to the pupils. By wearing
school
 attire,
students
 can be uniquely spotted from far away distance which will lead to fewer chances of any misshaping because people will be closely observing them.
For example
, As per
comparative
Add an article
a comparative
the comparative
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 study conducted by
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 department of Europe,
students
 wearing
school
 uniforms are able to put sixty
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 more focus
in
Change preposition
on
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 their studies as compared to
students
 who come in casual clothes.
On the other hand
,
school
 attire has put an additional burden on
parents
. In modern-day, schools force
parents
 to buy
Fix the agreement mistake
uniforms
show examples
uniform
 for their kids during the admission process itself from designated vendors which leads to more strain on
parents
 because they will sell a
uniform
 at an elevated price
however
, they can get the same
uniform
 at a competitive price. To illustrate, As per a survey conducted by leading
uniform
 sellers, from the past few years, post signing a contract to sell the uniforms of the leading institute, their profit margins have increased by forty per cent. In conclusion, In spite of having disadvantages like a financial burden on
parents
, I believe wearing
school
uniform
 will have numerous advantages like giving a sense of equality among
students
 and
an
Remove the article
apply
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increased safety.
Submitted by sharma.ajaykumar2309 on

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Task Achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure that you address all parts of the question comprehensively. While the essay does give an opinion on which approach has more advantages, it does not clearly discuss the disadvantages of children having a school uniform separate from the financial perspective. There is a need for a broader range of examples and exploration of the potential negative implications of uniforms on children's development, expression, and well-being.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, the essay has a reasonable logical structure, using paragraphs to break up the text, but the progression of ideas could be smoother. Transitions between ideas can be enhanced by using a variety of linking words and phrases. Additionally, it is important to ensure that pronoun reference is clear ('them' in the safety argument is a little ambiguous) and that points are made and explained within the same section for better cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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