IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that it is not possible to be happy without money while other things that money does not guarantee happiness. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

Although
Linking Words
Money
Use synonyms
 can'
t
Use synonyms
 buy happiness,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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still many people believe that one cannot be happy without
money
Use synonyms
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
as
Correct word choice
whereas
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 other believes that
money
Use synonyms
 does not doesn'
t
Use synonyms
 guarantee happiness. In my essay, I shall discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
both views, followed by some supportive examples. In today's modern world, everything has become so expensive to lead a happy
life
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. It totally depends upon the level of income a person is earning.Even
to lead
Change the verb form
leading
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 a basic
life
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 costs, an arm and leg.A person with a good financial condition can avail all
comforts
Correct article usage
the comforts
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 and facilities in
life
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whereas
Linking Words
 it is totally opposite in
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of a person who doesn'
t
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 earn enough.To demonstrate, a survey
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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conducted by the students of marketing
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 GNA University revealed that 73% of people cannot buy certain facilities
due to
Linking Words
 low
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 of income.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,it is believed by many that
money
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 doesn'
t
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 guarantee happiness. Nowadays, children have to leave their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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 to create
the
Correct article usage
a
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 future and be financially strong but in all
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 they forget about their parents or the families who are waiting for them
indeed
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. many times it is noticed that individuals compensate
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 presence by sending a
little
Correct word choice
small
show examples
 amount of
money
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 to their parents. It might be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 gesture to support them financially .To exemplify, One of my close friends who is living in England, couldn'
t
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 come to her father's
last
Linking Words
 rights just to secure her future. In
nutshell
Correct article usage
a nutshell
show examples
, I believe that
Money
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 is a supportive agent in every individual's
life
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, and so it should be treated
accordingly
Linking Words

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within that paragraph relate closely to that idea. Also, be cautious of sentence fragments and use a variety of linking words appropriately to improve readability and coherence.
task achievement
Although you have presented both sides of the argument, the development of ideas needs to be more fully realized. Make sure that you expand on your main points with sufficient development and detail, and include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
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