IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

It is often said that retirement is the happiest time of a person’s life. How far do you agree with this view?

#retirement #time #person’s #life
In many
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 the population is
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 considerably.
This
 presents the older
people
 with challenges
as well as
 opportunities. It seems to me that
retirement
, in
fact
Add the comma(s)
fact,
show examples
 is not the most contented period of life. And I will explain why in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, retired
people
 have to
content
Add a missing verb
be content
show examples
 with the major issue of
health
. No matter how optimistic a person is, or how consciously they are trying to keep fit. Their
health
 declines as they grow older/ as they age.
This
 affects their morbidity, their ability to interact with
people
, and their physical comfort when compared with the earlier stages of life. A second negative factor is the issue of the whole finance. By
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 we mean that even
people
 who saved or invested a goodly sum carefully will find their income in
retirement
 reduced considerably,
for example
 by relying on their savings.
This
 results in leisure options being more restricted than the younger years even though they have more time to fill.
This
 leads us
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to the final and perhaps most significant drawback to
retirement
, which is isolation.
This
 happens when the declining
health
 and limited
sources
Correct your spelling
resources
show examples
 are increasingly
cut-off
Correct your spelling
cut off
show examples
; even if they have the surviving family members who seek to care for them. Admittedly, much the family may offer
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
support;
this
 lack of contact will progressively lead to a less contented frame of mind. It is true that there are some positives to
retirement
, most notably to pursue their personal interests and the presence of grandchildren. Despite
this
, it seems that for many older
people
Add a comma
people,
show examples
 these pleasures are outweighed by the issues which can cause stress or depression. It is sensible
to conclude
 that the problems of
health
, financial concerns and isolation combine to make
retirement
 a challenging and potentially difficult time for many
people
.
Submitted by snmohseni on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure by offering an introductory paragraph, distinct points in the body of the essay with topic sentences, followed by supporting details, and a summarizing conclusion. Your essay has these components but lacks a strong, clear progression of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Maintain cohesion by using linking words and phrases effectively. Each paragraph should flow smoothly to the next. In your essay, there are some abrupt transitions between ideas that can be improved.
task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view by exploring both sides of the argument equally and providing stronger examples to support each point. Though you mentioned some positives of retirement, your examples were not as developed.
task achievement
A well-elaborated conclusion is necessary to restate the writer's position and summarize the main points. Your conclusion could be improved by making it more definitive and reflecting on the arguments presented.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Specific examples add depth and interest to your essay and demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: