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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Occupations of people suffering from stress related illness

#occupations #people #stress #illness
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The graphs compare the different eight occupations in terms of the proportion of weekly hours and stress levels.
Overall
,
it is clear that
 business made up the largest proportion of working hours
while
 lecturers accounted for the lowest share. It is
also
mentioning
Wrong verb form
mentioned
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 that the leading
for
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apply
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main
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
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 suffering from stress was lecturing and the difference between the biggest and smallest categories in
this
 respect was significant. Looking at the details, the highest figure in the graph is recorded by
business men
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businessmen
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, with exactly 70% of the Working hours. The highest rate in the list is in producers of movies, forming
with
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apply
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approximately 60%. The other occupations, namely doctors, writers, chefs, lecturers, lawyers and programmers constitute between 25 and 50% of the total share. As for the second graph, the first and the second largest categories in terms of people suffering from stress are lecturers and movie producers, with 25% and 18% respectively. The next highest figures possessed by doctors,
business men
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businessmen
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 and chefs, between 10 and 15% respectively. The sectors of writers and lawyers are the same, with 8%.
However
, the lowest point is programmers, by 5%.
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introduction conclusion present
You should introduce the topic properly and clearly state what the essay will discuss. An introductory sentence that sets the stage for the graphs you are describing is missing. Additionally, ensure that there is a clear conclusion that summarises the key points made throughout the essay.
logical structure
The overall structure of the essay seems disorganised. It is important to transition smoothly between points and paragraphs, using conjunctions, and ensure that the paragraphs are well-structured, with a clear main idea and supporting sentences that follow logically.
supported main points
Consider using more cohesive devices to link ideas, sentences, and paragraphs together effectively. This helps the reader to understand the progression of the essay and the relationships between different points raised.
complete response
Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. It seems that the essay could further explore how occupational stress is linked to each job and provide a more detailed comparison between them.
clear comprehensive ideas
Aim to state and explain your ideas more clearly, expanding upon them with more detailed information and ensuring that they contribute to the overall purpose of the essay.
relevant specific examples
Good use of specific examples from the graphs to support your points. Continue to integrate these examples seamlessly into your essay to support the information you provide.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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