Occupations of people suffering from stress related illness

#occupations #people #stress #illness

The graphs compare the different eight occupations in terms of the proportion of weekly hours and stress levels.

Overall

it is clear that

business made up the largest proportion of working hours

while

lecturers accounted for the lowest share. It is

also

mentioning

Wrong verb form

mentioned

show examples

that the leading

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

main

issues

Fix the agreement mistake

issue

show examples

suffering from stress was lecturing and the difference between the biggest and smallest categories in

this

respect was significant. Looking at the details, the highest figure in the graph is recorded by

business men

Correct your spelling

businessmen

show examples

, with exactly 70% of the Working hours. The highest rate in the list is in producers of movies, forming

with

Change preposition

apply

show examples

approximately 60%. The other occupations, namely doctors, writers, chefs, lecturers, lawyers and programmers constitute between 25 and 50% of the total share. As for the second graph, the first and the second largest categories in terms of people suffering from stress are lecturers and movie producers, with 25% and 18% respectively. The next highest figures possessed by doctors,

business men

Correct your spelling

businessmen

show examples

and chefs, between 10 and 15% respectively. The sectors of writers and lawyers are the same, with 8%.

However

, the lowest point is programmers, by 5%.

Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on Wed Dec 13 2023

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present

You should introduce the topic properly and clearly state what the essay will discuss. An introductory sentence that sets the stage for the graphs you are describing is missing. Additionally, ensure that there is a clear conclusion that summarises the key points made throughout the essay.

logical structure

The overall structure of the essay seems disorganised. It is important to transition smoothly between points and paragraphs, using conjunctions, and ensure that the paragraphs are well-structured, with a clear main idea and supporting sentences that follow logically.

supported main points

Consider using more cohesive devices to link ideas, sentences, and paragraphs together effectively. This helps the reader to understand the progression of the essay and the relationships between different points raised.

complete response

Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. It seems that the essay could further explore how occupational stress is linked to each job and provide a more detailed comparison between them.

clear comprehensive ideas

Aim to state and explain your ideas more clearly, expanding upon them with more detailed information and ensuring that they contribute to the overall purpose of the essay.

relevant specific examples

Good use of specific examples from the graphs to support your points. Continue to integrate these examples seamlessly into your essay to support the information you provide.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Do you want to check your IELTS essays?

Submit unlimited essays, letters and charts. Sign up right now and start improving your writing skills.

6Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

189 words

<40

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

🚀 Prepare for IELTS writing section today!

Unlimited Task 1 checks
Get all the feedback you need to keep improving your charts and letters.
Unlimited Task 2 checks
Practice and perfect your skills with essays.
Personalized suggestions
Know how to boost your score.
Detailed mistakes analysis
Get instant feedback. Spot every mistake.
Topic ideas generator
Get topic-specific ideas to enhance your writing.
Vocabulary helper
Get the right words for any topic.
Progress tracking
Track your writing improvements.

What to do next:

Look at other essays:

7
band
In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, while in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. To what extent should children have to follow rules?
Although some nations have tough rules for children to behave with manners, others are quite against it. It is agreed that there should be rules to control them according to situations; the first one is discipline, and the second would be respect the older and seniors. This essay will provide arguments and why explanations are required to support the point with relevant examples in further paragraphs.
4
band
There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the modern life , it's a big controversary that young people facing some pressure to succeed academically .while some people believe that if they remove non academic subjects from the school syllabus ,students may concentrate on their major subjects .I, totally agree with this statement and explore some views in below .
6
band
There are many ways to find a job: newspaper advertisements, internet job search web sites, and personal recommendations. What do you think is the best way to find a job? Give reasons or examples to support your opinion.
There is an argument that nowadays have so many possibilities to look for a new job, such as through newspapers, the internet, by indication, and other ways. I partially agree with such a point of view because even though all the ways mentioned before are correct to get an opportunity in the work environment, some of them are more remarkable, consequently, people can change their careers.
6
band
In many modern societies, grandchildren rarely spend any quality time with their grandparents. What do you think are the consequences of this?
In the modern world, family relationships are the most discussed topics. These days kids miss out on spending time with their grandparents as joint families are disintegrating to the nuclear ones. This has the consequences which impact both the kids and elderly.
4.5
band
in some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness are decreasing. what whould you think the causes, and what measures could be taken to solve them
It is well expressed that health is wealth. In most corners of this ,globe the norm weight of a nation is raising dramatically. This is also related to low well-being rate, as a result of, avoid doing healthy habits such as, day-by-day body work-out or morning run and a having a sedentary lifestyle. This essay will explain the main causes of being over-weighted and decreasing health status of individuals. Also, will suggest some solutions to these problems.

Occupations of people suffering from stress related illness

Fully explain your ideas

In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, while in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want. To what extent should children have to follow rules?

There are many ways to find a job: newspaper advertisements, internet job search web sites, and personal recommendations. What do you think is the best way to find a job? Give reasons or examples to support your opinion.

In many modern societies, grandchildren rarely spend any quality time with their grandparents. What do you think are the consequences of this?

in some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness are decreasing. what whould you think the causes, and what measures could be taken to solve them