IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some say that advertisements of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So, the advertisement to children should be banned. Do you agree or disagree?

#say #advertisements #snacks #toys #impact #children #parents #advertisement
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As it is enunciated by a proportion, there are egregious repercussions on kids and their parents by
advertisements
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 of snacks and toys,
hence
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 commercials ought to be restricted. Albeit, I harbour the belief that
this
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 apprehension is totally warranted, it should beg for some sort of exemplifications and justifications.
Firstly
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, contemporary research manifests that the consumption of snacks may dreadfully lead to health complications
such
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 as obesity, cancer, and diabetes. As an illustration, recent statistics indicate that there is a drastic increment in underage cancer and diabetes patients in hospitals. The majority of doctors assert that
children
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’s health is deteriorating sharply.
Moreover
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, these foods
also
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 pose a huge threat to brain development in
children
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, in which
advertisements
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 for snacks ought to be banned.
Secondly
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, toy-making companies solely work for profits,
therefore
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, these organizations may produce notorious
advertisements
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 that
children
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 are not able to understand whether they are necessary or not, since their brain is not fully formed.
Furthermore
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, profit-making toy organizations have found a way to brainwash
children
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 with inferior commercials and may act as a catalyst for
children
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 to become uncontrollable for parents. As an illustration, some unnecessary products may become idealized in peer groups
due to
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advertisements
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,
hence
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 parents have to buy them.
Hence
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, it is apparent that dreadful commercials should be banned.
To sum up
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,
advertisements
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 for foods and toys should be restricted, since food may egregiously pose a huge threat to kid’s health.
Moreover
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, kids may be uncontrollable and brainwashed by idealized
advertisements
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due to
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 partially formed brains.
Submitted by Trevor Nugara on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should outline your position clearly, and the conclusion should effectively summarize your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a logical flow of ideas and use a range of linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that your position is clear throughout the essay. Avoid making generalized or vague statements.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples and evidence to support your points, ensuring they are specific and relevant to the topic.
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