IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

1.Very year an increasing number of people suffer from fast food related diseases. The government, therefore, should impose a high tax on fast food. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#year #people #food #diseases #government #tax
Nowadays,the overusing of fast
food
 as a replacement for healthy
food
 has become a real problem
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 most
people
 who are busy
consequently
, the government should impose a higher tax on
this
 kind of
food
 to avoid critical issues like obesity and so on. I completely agree with
this
 opinion and
this
 essay will discuss the reasons.To start with, excluding from our nutrition of junk
food
 can be attributed to many reasons, but many things are related to
people
's society. To illustrate, it found that the main cause of obesity is eating a lot of fast meals because they contain above-normal fats, and risky chemicals and negatively inducement to health.
For instance
, apply statistics presenters announced, apply found that diabetes and heart diseases may result from junk meals, as a matter of fact, it found that it is more dangerous to the heart than smoking.
Also
, they claimed that eating potato fries are more dangerous than smoking 12 packs of cigarette.
Moreover
, another reason for consideration is the lower productivity levels in any society that suffers from excess of fast meals. As mentioned above, obesity and heart disease could result from
this
 feeding style
consequently
, the levels of
people
's energy will be very low
therefore
, it is evident that a strong economy has been built by the healthy
people
 who are able to face barriers and override it;
accordingly
,
this
 should be one of the main priorities for any decision maker to gets up the economy.In conclusion,
due to
 the mentioned reasons, we may safely conclude that imposing a high tax on
this
 business is an appropriate solution to avoid the consequences of having a poor and unhealthy society. I believe that we should stimulate our governments and population to have a health-conscious active lifestyle.
Submitted by shahobhozratkulov on

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logical structure
Your essay lacks a clear logical structure, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow your argument. To improve, you can plan your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs each with a single central idea, and a clear conclusion that restates your position.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are not adequately developed. Make sure your introduction sets the stage for the discussion and includes a thesis statement. Your conclusion should reiterate your key points and restate your opinion clearly.
supported main points
Main points should be well-supported by specific examples or explanations. Avoid general statements that do not directly support your argument. Expand on your ideas with data, examples, or further reasoning.
complete response
You have addressed the task, but your response needs to be more complete. Aim to fully answer all parts of the question. Make sure to explore the topic from different angles and discuss implications or counter-arguments where appropriate.
clear comprehensive ideas
While your ideas are somewhat clear, they lack the necessary depth and comprehensive analysis. Work on expanding your ideas and connecting them logically to your overall argument. Clearer coherence between points will enhance the comprehensive nature of your essay.
relevant specific examples
The use of relevant examples strengthens your argument, but they need to be directly related to the points you are making. Ensure that your examples are specific and relevant to your argument, and use them to convincingly support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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