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Band 4

Some people say that school children should study history as a main subject. Others think that others subject are more important for children in modern society. Discuss the both views and give your opinion.

#people #school #children #study #history #society
In
today
Change noun form
today's
show examples
 competitive world,many families find it necessary for both parents to go out of work .Abjure by the point of view .I
harmonize
Verb problem
agree
show examples
 that there should be
requisite
Correct article usage
a requisite
show examples
 for families to earn a better livelihood. Some
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
show examples
 that children in their families benefit from additional income . There is no doubt if both parents
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
go out of work ,
Much
Correct quantifier usage
Many
show examples
 of the financial issues
are
Wrong verb form
will be
show examples
 resolved. With regard to
this
, We are living in a society where expenses are more than our actual income . Additional income helps
Submitted by aqsamurad275 on

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Task Achievement
The essay does not adequately cover the IELTS task as there is no clear discussion about the importance of history as a main subject versus other subjects for school children. Instead, the essay shifts focus to the necessity of both parents working.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is poor; the introduction is not clear, and the main points are not well-developed or supported with relevant examples. Additionally, the essay does not include a conclusion.
Task Achievement
To improve, ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt by discussing both views on the importance of history as a main subject for school children. Develop each point with clear, specific examples and structure the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by linking ideas clearly and using cohesive devices effectively. Make sure your essay follows a logical order and that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon with evidence or examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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