IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

it is common aspiration among many young people to run their business rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks ?

#aspiration #people #business #work #employer
In
this
 competitive world, it is preferred by the majority of the new generation to run a business
instead
 of
to work
Change the verb form
working
show examples
 for a multinational
company
.
However
, I firmly believe that the benefits of entrepreneurship tend to develop the quality of our lives
while
 minimizing the disadvantages that setting up a business could bring. There are two possible effects, which I will discuss and try to reach a conclusion. One of the main
positive
Change to a plural noun
positives
show examples
 of establishing your enterprise is room to be creative and boosting your self-confidence through accomplishment.
For instance
, without
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
follow
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
 the orders of your boss in a
company
, you can not only reach your objectives by working for yourself but
also
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 all the credit that you have made.
Secondly
, the pride of receiving your wage will be perceived differently from a salary as an employee in a
company
.
Although
 a salary as a finance director in a big
company
 is rewarding, receiving the benefits of your own decisions for your business brings a sense of achievement and
expanding
Wrong verb form
expands
show examples
 your comfort
zones
Fix the agreement mistake
zone
show examples
 for personal development.
Submitted by bouteloupcamille13 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that the essay includes both an introduction that clearly states your position and a conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates your viewpoint. The absence of a clear conclusion can significantly affect the perceived completeness of the essay.
Supporting Examples
Develop each argument with relevant examples or evidence. The paragraph on the pride of receiving your wage could benefit from specific examples or statistics to support the argument.
Cohesion
Aim for a more sophisticated organizational structure. Use transitional phrases and sentences to show clear relationships between ideas. This makes your essay more cohesive and improves the flow of information.
Task Response
Address potential drawbacks to working for yourself as the topic asks for a discussion of both advantages and disadvantages. Incorporate contrasting points into your argument to fully address the essay prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • aspiration
  • entrepreneur
  • flexibility
  • decision-making
  • financial rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • challenges
  • financial risk
  • invested capital
  • cash flow
  • guaranteed income
  • work-life balance
  • responsibility
  • pressure
  • burnout
What to do next:
Look at other essays: