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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many many features food and drink product contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugar products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#features #food #drink #product #level #sugar #health #products #people
Health related
Add a hyphen
Health-related
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 problems are increasing day by day, a number of manufactured
foods
 and drinks items contain high levels of
sugar
. A number of individuals suggest that those
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 should be more costly to encourage people to use less
sugar
. I totally agree with
this
 statement, and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will provide
detail
Replace the word
detailed
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 information to clarify my point.
Firstly
, people nowadays, consume fast
foods
 and packaging
foods
 in large numbers. Which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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directly
effect
Correct your spelling
affects
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to
Change preposition
apply
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their health, because of the ingredients they
contains
Change the verb form
contain
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for
Add the comma(s)
, for
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 example,
sugar
, salt, fat, and protein. High levels of
sugar
added
Add a missing verb
are added
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
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 that
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 to make
its
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 taste better and delicious,
individuals
Correct word choice
and individuals
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directly
Add a missing verb
are directly
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 attracted towards
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
But
Correct word choice
However
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 they
did
Verb problem
were
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 not aware
about
Change preposition
of
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 the side effects and will experience various health problems in
near
Correct article usage
the near
show examples
 future. Coming to the point, if
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 take action on it, and
add
Correct subject-verb agreement
adds
show examples
 more tax on that type of
items
Fix the agreement mistake
item
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then
 it will obviously decrease the purchasing rate.
On the other hand
, fast cuisine production companies will face huge
loss
Fix the agreement mistake
losses
show examples
 and stop making
that
Change the determiner
that product
those products
show examples
products
 in upcoming times.
In addition
,
sugar
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
found
Add a missing verb
are found
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 easily and they are cheaper too,
individual
Change the word
individually
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by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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because of their delicious test and low cost. Making
this
 product expensive and
reduction
Replace the word
reducing
show examples
 money from other
products
, like bread, nuts, fruits and rice items. Can be helpful to change the demands of consumers in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term.
To conclude
,
although
, it is not a perfect solution to totally eliminate the uses of sugary
products
,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it will be helpful to reduce
production
Add an article
the production
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 rate of those
products
Submitted by sumitsubedi986 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear logical structure and paragraphing. An examiner would expect a more organized approach with separate paragraphs for introduction, arguments for, arguments against (if applicable), and conclusion. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to improve readability.
task achievement
You need to properly introduce the essay topic and offer a clear thesis statement in the introduction. In the conclusion, summarize your main points and restate your opinion. Maintain a clear position throughout the essay.
task achievement
Support your arguments with specific examples and clearer reasoning. The use of examples helps to illustrate your points and makes your argument more convincing. Avoid making broad or unsupported claims. Aim to develop each paragraph with a single clear idea supported by examples and evidence.
coherence cohesion
Work on your sentence structure and punctuation for greater clarity. Also, be mindful of subject-verb agreement and proper tense usage. These grammatical aspects are crucial for achieving a higher score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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