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Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population create problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extant do the advantage of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?.

#countries #people #population #governments #society #advantage
During the
last
 few generations and the developments we had in different fields, the number of
people
 who are living in old ages above 70 is increasing but the birth rate is falling.
therefore
, some
people
 believe that
this
 statement can cause difficulties for the government, which I totally agree with,
however
, in
this
 essay, I will point to both benefits and drawbacks.
To begin
 with, research shows us the number of happy
people
 who are living with their parents or grandparents is much more than those who have lost their loved ones which can cause an increase in depression between young ages. Even though it is important to take care of society’s mental
health
 the negative effect of having too many elderly in the population can have unexpected effects on a country too.
For instance
, most
people
 with physical
health
 can regularly work till their 70ties and for the rest of their lives, they will need a retirement salary coming from the government’s budget. Even if we assume they have a huge amount of money to spend
this
 way too.
On the other hand
, believe it or not, as we grow our body start to lose their
health
 Knowing that there are young
people
 who are struggling with various kind of diseases nothing will change the fact that most of the illness appears in old age. Despite that, we may need more factories to produce medicine and cut off more plants or trees for medical uses which can directly lead to air pollution and loss of the environment. In conclusion, in my opinion, it may be necessary to have old
people
 in the population to take care of society’s mental
health
 but on average disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
Submitted by negarqaemi24 on

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task achievement
The essay needs improved clarity in presenting an argument and a more balanced view on the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. The main points require better support and more relevant, specific examples to illustrate the assertions made.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by creating clear paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph's main idea is immediately clear. Use cohesive devices appropriately to link ideas within and across paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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