IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and solution of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the past decade, youngsters have faced excess fat in one-fifth of Western countries. There are numerous reasons for
this
,
such
 as consumption patterns and technology use;
however
, there are
also
 solutions, which I will dive into in
this
 essay. One of the initial issues is that teenagers are becoming more and more accustomed to eating fast food since their parents give them money to do so. They choose the simplest and easiest food
as a result
.
For instance
, junk food restaurants serving pizza, burgers, and other items are widely available and accessible in Western nations. Teenagers have a higher amount of fat because these snacks are high in fat and low in nutrition. Technology is another issue that needs to be given consideration. The young people do not want to move their bodies, as they spend nearly the whole day in front of a screen.
For instance
, kids are allowed to bring cell phones to school throughout the school day.
As a result
, their eyes merely rely on the screen, and they stop playing with friends.
Due to
 their bodies' infrequent movement,
this
 causes negative effects. One way to address
this
 issue would be to make it essential for parents to cook nutritious meals for their kids every day and to limit their pocket money. Juveniles
therefore
 benefit from diets lower in fat since they provide protein and other nutrients. Another option is for the school and teachers to keep an eye on their pupils' screen time and organize various outdoor activities to maintain their physical well-being.  In conclusion, there are a number of factors contributing to
this
 problem, and in order to solve it, parents and educators need to take preventative action.
Submitted by yohanatheresia98 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Expand on the complexities of the causes and solutions to provide fuller explanations and deepen the analysis. Adding more detailed examples and elaborating on how these solutions can be implemented might enrich the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure stronger cohesion by linking ideas more effectively. Transitions between paragraphs and sentences could be smoother to guide the reader through your argument seamlessly.
Language
Consider diversifying vocabulary and sentence structure to elevate your expression and demonstrate a wider range of language skills.
Structure
You've included a clear introduction and conclusion which frames your argument effectively.
Argument Development
You've effectively identified key causes and proposed concrete solutions, showing a good grasp of the essay topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: