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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Is using physical force to discipline children acceptable?

#force #discipline #children
Children
Change noun form
Children's
show examples
discipling
Correct your spelling
discipline
 is a critical issue
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 a number of people including parents and teachers are responsible
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. The point is that the approach which would be used in
this
 way. There are two methods for shaping
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 correct
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, the first is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
employing physical
force
 and the second is to
using
Change the form of the verb
use
show examples
 psychological approaches rather than
force
. In
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 sections, these two approaches will explain in
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
. Using
force
 towards
children
 is a historical way in which decline by societies get more civilized and educated,
however
, has not
been disappearing
Wrong verb form
disappeared
show examples
 yet.
In other words
, some may argue
although
this
 is a harsh action but effective and the goal can justify the mean. The most negative consequence of
such
 though approach is on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 personality and behavior which can stay for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time and in many cases not only
children
 would correct their bad
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 but
also
 maybe
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
insist on
continue
Wrong verb form
continuing
show examples
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 a number of people believe methods like using
force
 are old-fashioned and not in accordance with principles of morality.
Instead
, they claim by
utilize
Wrong verb form
utilising
show examples
 various ways that are not necessarily hard,
children
 would be educated.
For example
, speaking about the benefits of
discipling
Correct your spelling
discipline
disciplining
 at first step
should follow
Verb problem
,
show examples
 and if doesn't work, next we notice them
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
denying
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 they like. Techniques like
threat
Correct article usage
the threat
show examples
 to
denying
Wrong verb form
deny
show examples
children
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
things that they like
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 free of
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 of using
force
 outcomes.
To sum up
, I do believe the latter has strong foundations in argument and grabbing to approaches like
force
 is not a trend in recent years and will have inevitable results on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
characteristic
Fix the agreement mistake
characteristics
show examples
 and their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in their future life.
Submitted by ahosseinajdari on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay's logical structure was generally easy to follow, but some paragraphs lack clear transitions and topic sentences. Focus on connecting ideas and paragraphs with cohesive devices. Provide summarizing sentences to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, but they could be strengthened. Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the points you will discuss, and ensure your conclusion effectively summarises your argument without adding new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points were supported, but your arguments could be more thoroughly developed and require additional examples and explanations to substantiate your claims. Consider exploring each point with greater depth and providing more concrete evidence.
task achievement
You've provided a response that addresses the topic, but it could be more complete by thoroughly discussing both sides of the argument or providing a more nuanced perspective.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear but at times they lack comprehensiveness. Strive for greater clarity by presenting your arguments concisely and definitively. Avoid ambiguity to enhance the reader's understanding.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Be sure to include concrete evidence from reliable sources or hypothetical scenarios that are directly related to the point you're making.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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