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Writing Samples
Band 6

Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all the societies. Do you think art and music still have a place in today's modern world of technology? Should children spend more time learning art and music at school?

#art #music #elements #societies #place #world #technology #children #time #school
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Music and Art are often considered to be the fundamental core of societies across the globe. With the advancement of technology and the fast way in which the world is developing, there is an even bigger need to preserve the arts. The world as we know it today is rapidly evolving and
ever changing
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ever-changing
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 thanks to the contribution of
modern day
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modern-day
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 advancements in technology.
Therefore
, it is paramount that we encourage equal opportunities for both artistic hobbies
as well as
 modern machinery.
Firstly
,
such
past
Correct word choice
apply
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times enrich one’s mind and broaden the ability to understand other cultures, societies and people.
Furthermore
, it allows us to explore diversity and engage in activities that are not part of our daily routine.
Secondly
, the majority of artistic creations and musical masterpieces are interlinked with that nation’s history.
This
 means that indulging in
such
leisure’s
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leisure
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 inevitably increases one's knowledge about the history and conservation of a nation. I believe that learning institutions,
such
 as schools would benefit greatly if there was equal time devoted to both hobbies. Focusing on subjects other than maths and science allows for the development of passions and stirs up creativity in the minds of children.
In addition
 to
this
, creative subjects can provide a
much needed
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much-needed
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 distraction and break up the schedule of a tiring school day.
Moreover
, several studies have shown that playing a form of a song or melody in the background can facilitate active recall and increase attention span, which is of great need when preparing for important exams.
To conclude
,
although
 newly created equipment is a precedent in our world today, we should still make time and encourage passions like music and the arts.
Submitted by abeera2012 on

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task achievement
While your introduction set the stage well for your discussion, and you included a concluding paragraph which summarized your arguments effectively, you ought to ensure that your essay fully addresses all aspects of the prompt. Consider the second question more thoroughly in future responses.
coherence cohesion
You have organized your essay logically and it is easy to follow your line of argument. However, look to improve paragraph transitions to enhance the flow of ideas. In addition, implement a variety of cohesive devices to link sentences and ideas more smoothly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural identity
  • cognitive benefits
  • emotional expression
  • mental well-being
  • mindfulness
  • human connection
  • creativity
  • critical thinking
  • discipline
  • collaboration
  • economic contributions
  • academic performance
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