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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people are busy with work and do not have enough time to spend with family and friends. Why does this happen? What are the effects of this on family life and society as a whole?

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One thought of school holds that present day, most
people
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 becoming more and more involved with work leads to having less
time
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 to devote quality
time
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 to their relatives including family and friends. There are several reasons behind
this
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 trend and the influences on family life and society brought by
this
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 phenomenon. On the one hand, a wide range of factors are responsible for those who do not have adequate
time
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 to allocate to their family and friends. One reason for
this
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 situation is that they spend the most
time
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 every day in the company.
Due to
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 the fact that there is a large number of tasks which require them to complete instantly.
This
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 can result in making them tired after a work day surrounded by tasks and documents, so what things they want to do is rest
instead
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 of devoting
time
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 to gathering with
people
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 who are important to them.
Furthermore
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, some
people
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 contend that it is necessary to make appointments with the workmates to go to eat and go to the coffee shop. Since it is a great way to up close and strengthen the bonds among colleagues.
Therefore
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, seem to spending
time
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 with their relatives is hard.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 problem has given rise to a host of alarming issues. First and foremost, a lack of
time
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 to allocate family and friends is a direct consequence of weakening the bond between them and the
people
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 they love being around,
this
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 is because that insufficient interaction and connection among each other. Not only that,
this
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 problem creates an indifferent community.
For instance
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, for those who have limited exposure to their relatives, it is too hard to share personal emotions.
Consequently
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, shaping them into the person without empathy, caring, and compassion for others.
Such
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 a drawback can be especially detrimental to society nowadays. In conclusion, there is a variety of causes for
this
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 problem which impacts family relationships and friendships, even affecting
on
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apply
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society.

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coherence cohesion
It is crucial that your essay maintains a clear and logical structure throughout. Your introduction provided a general overview, but it could have included a stronger thesis statement outlining the main points that the essay will cover. The body paragraphs should each begin with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the respective paragraph's content. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea and that your examples directly support the main idea of each paragraph. When concluding your essay, summarize the main points clearly and offer a cohesive final thought or recommendation.
task achievement
Your essay responded to both parts of the prompt by explaining why people might not have enough time to spend with family and friends and discussing the effects of this on family life and society. However, the development of ideas was at times superficial. To improve task achievement, you should aim to explore each point in greater depth and back them up with specific examples. Make sure each idea is explored thoroughly before moving on to the next point. Finally, while your conclusion addressed the topic, try to make it more impactful by clearly summarizing the overall argument with clear implications or recommendations.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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