Nowadays, some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #retirement #communities #adult #children #development

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Retirement

homes

Use synonyms

have become prominent in today's world. After a certain period, a group of people retire from work and live with strangers of similar age rather than living with their children. I strongly believe that

this

Linking Words

development has a negative outcome on one's life.

To begin

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with, older generations in a family are considered to be a responsibility as they may not be able to do day-to-day tasks on their own.

As a result

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, their children either force them or convince them to live in aged

care

Use synonyms

This

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distance from their families,

however

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, creates loneliness or depression among the ageing individuals because they wish to cherish the little achievements of their children and grandchildren but are deprived of them.

Although

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they are looked after by professional helpers, senior citizens miss the love they could receive from their family,

as a result

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, affects their mental health. So these life

care

Use synonyms

homes

Use synonyms

have a negative output on aged people's well-being.

Apart from

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this

Linking Words

aspect, the other reason why aged

care

Use synonyms

homes

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do not have a positive impact is security. Especially with rapid growth in digitalisation, it is hard for the older generation to keep up with the technology,

therefore

Linking Words

, staying away from their family, they would rely on aged

care

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workers to make transactions or monitor finances.

This

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can lead to misuse of personal information or even being robbed unknowingly.

For instance

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, there was news about an aged

care

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worker debiting thousands of dollars from an old couple for several years, and later she was reported by their families to police.

Thus

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, it is not safe for our older members of families to live by themselves in the life

care

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accommodations.

To conclude

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, I firmly think, the development of after-retirement

homes

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has a negative outcome in our lives. It creates distance from loved ones which affects one's mental health, and

also

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, allows strangers to take hold of their money management.

Submitted by agarwal.bhavi07 on Thu Dec 14 2023

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coherence cohesion

Ensure there is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion are present, but could be improved for clarity and emphasis on the thesis statement.

coherence cohesion

Develop logical paragraphs with clear main ideas that are expanded upon with supporting sentences. The essay contains relevant ideas but could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more elaboration.

coherence cohesion

Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and sentences, showcasing your range of language skills. Aim for a smooth transition between sentences and paragraphs.

task achievement

Address all aspects of the task, ensuring a balanced discussion of the topic. In this case, the essay slightly lacks a discussion on the positive aspects, which could lead to a more balanced argument.

task achievement

Present ideas clearly and develop them thoroughly throughout the essay, ensuring that examples specifically illustrate the points being made. Some examples could be more effectively linked to the argument.

task achievement

Support your points with a range of relevant examples. The essay uses examples, but there is room to use more specific instances or expert opinions that can add weight to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

319 words

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Nowadays, some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

SOme people think That parents should teach children how to be good memebers of society. Others believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these view and give your own opinion.

In today's job market it is far more important to have practical skils than theoretical knowledge. In the future, job applications may not need any formal qualifications. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people say thw history is one of the most ....

These days, in many countries fewer and fewer people want to become teachers,particularly in secondary schools. What are the reason for this, and how could the problem be solved?