IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that the experiences a child has before starting school have the most influence on their future life. Others say that experiences as a teenager, especially at school, are more influential. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

#people #experiences #child #school #influence #future #life #teenager
Nowadays, people mention that the childhood
experience
, before the
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 start to go to
school
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
influence
Correct article usage
an influence
show examples
 on their future life.
However
, others say that the
tennager
Correct your spelling
teenage
experience
, especially
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 secondary or high
school
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more influential. In my opinion, both of the views have
it
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of advantages and disadvantages,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 my opinion
lean
Change the verb form
leans
show examples
 more
on
Change preposition
towards
show examples
 the teenage
experience
, as they are at the growth-up stage and start to have their opinion.
Hence
, the
experience
 of the teenager age will affect their life in the future more. On one hand, the
experience
 as a child before starting
school
 is mainly related to their family. Children spend most of their time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
 age
to learn
Change the verb form
learning
show examples
 and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 with their presents,
therefore
, the
habits
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the parents could influence their performance.
For example
, if the parents always teach them good
habits
such
 as always
say
Wrong verb form
saying
show examples
 hi to others, always
tidy
Wrong verb form
tidying
show examples
 their toys and
clean
Wrong verb form
cleaning
show examples
 the table after dinner, it will build up good
habits
 for them
overtime
Correct your spelling
over time
show examples
.
However
, the drawback of
this
 age is that they
have
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not know
which
Correct pronoun usage
what
show examples
 is right or wrong, which
also
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 them to study bad
habits
 if they are
borned
Correct your spelling
born
bored
 and raised in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
familly
Correct your spelling
family
 that has
bully
Wrong verb form
bullying
show examples
 or
harrassment
Correct your spelling
harassment
 scenarios.
On the other hand
, as a teenager, they spend most of their time at
school
 with friends and teachers.
Hence
, if they have the
oppotunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 to study in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good environment, they will groth-up with good performance and be a good person.
However
, if the education environment has a lot of issues
such
 as, bullying,
Replace the word
racism
show examples
racist
Replace the word
racism
show examples
 or
harrassment
Correct your spelling
harassment
, their mental and physical health could be affected and it might lead to
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trauma and influence their future life.
Although
 the surrounding environment might affect their behaviours, the teenager has the ability to know
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
right or wrong. They are
growth
Replace the word
growing
show examples
 up enough to think before they learn new things.
Submitted by 13656881 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay demonstrates some understanding of the task, with both sides of the issue addressed and an opinion given. However, the ideas could be developed more fully and the position could be made clearer throughout the essay.
task achievement
Work on providing fully elaborated examples to support your points. Your essay brings up different scenarios but doesn't delve deeply enough into how these scenarios specifically affect future outcomes.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a recognizable structure, but transitions between ideas can be improved. The logical flow from one idea to the next needs to be made clearer with better use of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction fully sets the stage for the discussion and that your conclusion neatly summarizes your points and restates your opinion. Both elements were present but could be more impactful.
coherence cohesion
Mind the precision of language and grammar. There are errors that could confuse readers or obscure the meaning of your sentences.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • future life
  • experiences
  • childhood development
  • bonding
  • socialization
  • peer interactions
  • basic skills
  • education
  • learning
  • friendships
  • independence
  • identity
  • exposure
  • new ideas
  • perspectives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: