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Band 6

Work is more important than leisure. Do you agree or disagree?

#work #leisure
In a competitive society, the majority of the community prefers to perform long hours, which can leave very little time to spend with friends, and family or to pursue hobbies. Some crowds choose that making money and achieving bright future goals is more sufficient than having a rest moment.
However
, I totally agree that task and leisure should be equal conditions. Struggle is important in our lives for some reasons:
firstly
, and most clearly, we need to work to earn income, and
secondly
, to walk for valuable purposes. Earning an income is the main reason most folks go to exertion, as well all need money for daily expenses, living and eating. If a human has a family
such
 as children. The individual duty is to take care of his family, especially, financially.
Additionally
, expecting reason to get out of bed every day, we can feel minuscule aimless and lost, which in turn into a "zombie".
Nonetheless
, leisure is
also
 sufficient in our society. It is essential to have a date to rest and recuperate from the stresses of trial.
This
 helps keep us mentally and physically healthy.Everyone has stress, of course, it is a natural situation,
nevertheless
, in
this
 case, you should go on a trip and go to places of entertainment
such
 as the mountains.
For example
, I had a situation which is stressful status. That's why, I told my parents "Let's go to the gorgeous places in the world". So it was an amazing space which was memorable. After that, we relaxed and played some games. And so, without
this
 should not be a well-balanced community.
Overall
, there is no doubt,
endeavour
Correct word choice
that endeavour
show examples
 and rest should be done on occasion and balanced.
Submitted by muhayyomahmudova18 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure. Paragraphs appear haphazard and the overall flow is difficult to follow. To improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the ideas connect smoothly throughout the essay. Usage of linking words and topic sentences can greatly enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
There is a need for clearer and more comprehensive development of ideas. The argumentation would benefit from more depth and complexity, which could be achieved by expanding on the points made and exploring their implications more fully.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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