IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

These days many young people are spending less time doing outdoor activities such as hiking, mountain climbing, and enjoying nature. What are the reasons for this? How can we encourage them to do more of these activities? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #time #activities #mountain #nature
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There is no denying the fact that nowadays, many young adults do not have enough time to do outdoor
activities
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 like walking and mountain climbing.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons behind
this
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 problem and suggest some solutions to encourage
people
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 to do more of these
activities
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.
To begin
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 with, there are various reasons that prevent many young
people
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 from doing more outdoor
activities
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.
Firstly
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, time restrictions, because most youths are so busy at their
work
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, they
work
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 overtime to earn more money to cover their daily life expenses, as they are so expensive, particularly in our era.
In other words
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, some young adults do not understand the real benefits that they will gain if they practice more outdoor exercises, so they do not care about them.
In addition
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, some companies give low salaries to their employees, which forces them to
work
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 extra time to gain more money.
For example
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, in African countries, some private organizations ask their employees to
work
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 at least 12 hours daily. In terms of encouraging youth to do more outdoor
activities
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,
people
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 should be aware of the importance of doing these
activities
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, as they will help them to get rid of their stress, so their productivity will increase. It is
also
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 possible to say that each company should have a program to prompt their employees to leave their homes and go outside for a picnic or enjoyment, so the companies should provide them with some incentives.
Moreover
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, the government should make campaigns and seminars to increase the awareness of societies about the positive effects of outdoor
activities
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. In conclusion, there are many causes, which act as obstacles in the way of
people
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 to do outdoor
activities
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, but it is
also
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 true
people
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 can overcome them.
Submitted by sm710129 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve clarity in your essay, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that guides the reader through your argument. This will help strengthen coherence and cohesion.
Task Achievement
Incorporate specific, detailed examples to support your main points. This could be statistics, studies, or personal anecdotes that directly relate to outdoor activities and their benefits, which will enhance the task achievement score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures more to engage the reader and showcase a wider range of language skills. This can also contribute to a more coherent and cohesive text.
Task Achievement
Make sure your conclusion summarises your main points effectively and offers a clear final thought on the topic. It should reflect back on the reasons and solutions proposed in your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Effective introduction of the essay topic and clear identification of the essay's structure.
Task Achievement
Good effort to discuss both the causes and solutions related to the lack of participation in outdoor activities among young people.
Task Achievement
The conclusion effectively wraps up the essay, though it could be strengthened with more reflective insights.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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