IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones

#children #hours #smartphones
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Most of
Add an article
the juverniles
show examples
juverniles
Correct your spelling
juveniles
 engage most of the
time
everyday
Correct your spelling
every
show examples
 on using digital phones.
This
 common phenomenon
also
 has both advantages and
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 which able to impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individuals.
This
 essay will discuss the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
 the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 of
this
 tendency. First of all, the main category which made young people waste
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 is
easily
Change the word
easy
show examples
 access
social
Change preposition
to social
show examples
 media. There are
a tons
Correct the article-noun agreement
tons
a ton
show examples
 of social
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
appear
Wrong verb form
appearing
show examples
 on the internet that aroused their
curious
Replace the word
curiosity
show examples
such
 as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and so on. These
platform
Change the determiner
platforms
show examples
 allow
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 to send
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
massage
Correct your spelling
messages
show examples
,
photos
Correct word choice
and photos
show examples
 or express themselves with their peers,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
relatives or even
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stranger
Fix the agreement mistake
strangers
show examples
.
However
, those
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
things might be some of the potential risks
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cuberbullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
,
inapproriate
Correct your spelling
inappropriate
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 or sexual
abuses
Fix the agreement mistake
abuse
show examples
.
Next,
the
childrens
Change noun form
children's
show examples
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 many hours on
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 could
be led
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 concerns. An obvious fact is there are more and more people
get
Verb problem
who have
show examples
 some problems
about eyes sight
Correct your spelling
with eyesight
show examples
 and mental diseases in which the
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
 account for the majority. The green light from the screen of
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 can cause
eyes
Change the noun form
eye
show examples
 diseases and their eyes vision
are decrease
Wrong verb form
decreases
show examples
.
Besides
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
using mobile phone too much affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their daily activities. From
this
 negative tendency, the
juverniles
Correct your spelling
juveniles
 can lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
communicate
Replace the word
communication
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in real life because almost
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 their spend
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
scrolling through
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the touch screen.
Morever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, they can distract them from important
appoinment
Correct your spelling
appointment
appointments
 and decline the productivity of working or studying. In a
nut shell
Correct your spelling
nutshell
show examples
, Children
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 much
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using
telephone
Add an article
the telephone
a telephone
show examples
 is a negative advancement in our era. It is undeniable some benefits of using
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
bring
Verb problem
apply
show examples
back
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our lives but the disadvantages
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 position ones.
Submitted by huyenthuong200003 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
There are significant issues with coherence and cohesion, including a lack of clear and logical progression in ideas. Sentences seem disjointed, making it hard for the reader to follow the author's argument.
coherence cohesion
You should include an introductory sentence that clearly states the topic and your stance on it, followed by a well-structured conclusion that summarizes the main points and your opinion.
coherence cohesion
While you have made some efforts to support your main points, the essay requires more development. Incorporate more specific examples and explanations to fully argue your points.
task achievement
Your response did not fully address the task as the advantages are mentioned but not discussed which leads to an incomplete argument. Make sure to address all parts of the task in a balanced way.
task achievement
Ideas presented are general and lack comprehensive elaboration. Aim to develop each point with specific details that clearly express your argument.
task achievement
You should include relevant, specific examples to support the points made. These examples can be hypothetical or drawn from common knowledge or personal experience, but they must be relevant and illustrative of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: