IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones

#children #hours #smartphones
Most of
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the juverniles
show examples
juverniles
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juveniles
 engage most of the
time
everyday
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every
show examples
 on using digital phones.
This
 common phenomenon
also
 has both advantages and
disadvantage
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disadvantages
show examples
 which able to impact
on
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apply
show examples
individuals.
This
 essay will discuss the
drawback
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drawbacks
show examples
outweight
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outweigh
outweighs
 the
benefit
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benefits
show examples
 of
this
 tendency. First of all, the main category which made young people waste
of
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apply
show examples
their
time
on
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apply
show examples
using mobile
phone
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phones
show examples
 is
easily
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easy
show examples
 access
social
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to social
show examples
 media. There are
a tons
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tons
a ton
show examples
 of social
platform
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platforms
show examples
appear
Wrong verb form
appearing
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 on the internet that aroused their
curious
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curiosity
show examples
such
 as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and so on. These
platform
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platforms
show examples
 allow
childrens
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children
show examples
 to send
a
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apply
show examples
massage
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messages
show examples
,
photos
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and photos
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 or express themselves with their peers,
the
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apply
show examples
relatives or even
the
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apply
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stranger
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strangers
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.
However
, those
of
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apply
show examples
things might be some of the potential risks
such
 as
the
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apply
show examples
cuberbullying
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cyberbullying
,
inapproriate
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inappropriate
contents
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content
show examples
 or sexual
abuses
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abuse
show examples
.
Next,
the
childrens
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children's
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spend
Wrong verb form
spending
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 many hours on
smart phones
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smartphones
show examples
 could
be led
Wrong verb form
lead
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 to
healthy
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health
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 concerns. An obvious fact is there are more and more people
get
Verb problem
who have
show examples
 some problems
about eyes sight
Correct your spelling
with eyesight
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 and mental diseases in which the
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
 account for the majority. The green light from the screen of
smart phones
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smartphones
show examples
 can cause
eyes
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eye
show examples
 diseases and their eyes vision
are decrease
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decreases
show examples
.
Besides
,
the
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apply
show examples
using mobile phone too much affect
on
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apply
show examples
their daily activities. From
this
 negative tendency, the
juverniles
Correct your spelling
juveniles
 can lack
of
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apply
show examples
communicate
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communication
show examples
skill
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skills
show examples
 in real life because almost
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 their spend
for
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apply
show examples
scrolling through
on
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apply
show examples
the touch screen.
Morever
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Moreover
, they can distract them from important
appoinment
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appointment
appointments
 and decline the productivity of working or studying. In a
nut shell
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nutshell
show examples
, Children
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 much
time
on
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apply
show examples
using
telephone
Add an article
the telephone
a telephone
show examples
 is a negative advancement in our era. It is undeniable some benefits of using
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
bring
Verb problem
apply
show examples
back
to
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apply
show examples
our lives but the disadvantages
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 position ones.
Submitted by huyenthuong200003 on

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coherence cohesion
There are significant issues with coherence and cohesion, including a lack of clear and logical progression in ideas. Sentences seem disjointed, making it hard for the reader to follow the author's argument.
coherence cohesion
You should include an introductory sentence that clearly states the topic and your stance on it, followed by a well-structured conclusion that summarizes the main points and your opinion.
coherence cohesion
While you have made some efforts to support your main points, the essay requires more development. Incorporate more specific examples and explanations to fully argue your points.
task achievement
Your response did not fully address the task as the advantages are mentioned but not discussed which leads to an incomplete argument. Make sure to address all parts of the task in a balanced way.
task achievement
Ideas presented are general and lack comprehensive elaboration. Aim to develop each point with specific details that clearly express your argument.
task achievement
You should include relevant, specific examples to support the points made. These examples can be hypothetical or drawn from common knowledge or personal experience, but they must be relevant and illustrative of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
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