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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Despite advances in agriculture, many people in the world are still hungry. Why is this so? What are the likely solutions ?

#advances #agriculture #people #world
For many years, there has been a problem that a lot of people are still hungry even though agriculture has developed. These kinds of
problems
 are found more in many developing
countries
 than
developed
Change preposition
in developed
show examples
countries
. From my point of view, I will discuss the
problems
 and solutions of
this
 case. First of all, the world population is growing rapidly, exceeding the rate of
food
 production in some regions. Mostly in developing
countries
, increasing
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 in some rural areas and conflict zones are leading to
food
 shortage and hunger.
In addition
, transportation is not good enough to make a trade so the economy is not developed in some areas
therefore
, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not enough
food
 supplies for the people.
Besides
, extreme weather events like floods and droughts are becoming more frequent
due to
 climate change that
disrupt
Change the verb form
disrupts
show examples
 agricultural production, leading to crop failures and
food
 insufficiency.
On the other hand
, there are several solutions to address the above
problems
.
Firstly
, the government has full responsibility to support potential small-scale farmers by giving some financial support, training and technology and
then
 they should invest in agricultural development programs. It can increase local
food
 production and improve rural livelihoods.
Furthermore
,it would be a good idea if the government
makes
Wrong verb form
made
show examples
 sure to improve transportation to build a sustainable economy in rural areas. These kinds of solutions will reduce the
food
 shortage and protect the people from hunger. All things considered,
although
 there will still be
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problems
 of
food
shortage
Fix the agreement mistake
shortages
show examples
 in some developing
countries
 and some conflict zones, there are many ways to solve these
problems
.
Submitted by wynenu94 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the main points requested by the essay question, but lacks detailed development of ideas. Ensure each body paragraph focuses on a single idea and is fully developed with specific examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is present but can be improved upon. Use a wider range of linking devices and paragraph structures to increase the clarity and flow of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be more clearly distinct in terms of paraphrasing the question and offering a salient summary of your main points. Always restate your thesis in the conclusion with different wording.
coherence cohesion
While supporting points are given, they lack depth and specificity which compromises their strength. Aim to provide more specific examples and data to substantiate the points made.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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