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Band 4

Some children spent hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a possitive or a negative development?

4.0 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays , More young people have
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 and they are
spenting
Correct your spelling
spending
 more time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 smartphones because
Phone
Use synonyms
 has
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more games and Their
parents
Use synonyms
 do not
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. if
children
Use synonyms
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
use from
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for
Correct your spelling
education
aducation
Correct your spelling
education
, it is good but They will play
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is not good
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, more
parents
Use synonyms
 are rich and they get
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for their
children
Use synonyms
. They think If we get
Use synonyms
phone
Add an article
a phone
the phone
show examples
 for
my
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
children
Use synonyms
, they
become
Verb problem
will
show examples
study
Use synonyms
 very well and They
do
Verb problem
will
show examples
 not look to their
children
Use synonyms
's
Use synonyms
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. after some
children
Use synonyms
 have got
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
Wrong verb form
given
show examples
give
Wrong verb form
given
show examples
 up
Use synonyms
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
study
Replace the word
studying
show examples
 because They never try to
study
Use synonyms
.
Capitalize word
As
show examples
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
 a
metter
Correct your spelling
matter
 of fact poor
Use synonyms
Change noun form
parents
show examples
parents's
Change noun form
parents
show examples
study
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 very well
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
 they have not got
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
show examples
 and they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
study
Use synonyms
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to be rich and they think
parents
Use synonyms
. Some poor
parents
Use synonyms
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not got job and They can stay at home with their
children
Use synonyms
 and
They
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
children
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
study
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Young
children
Use synonyms
into
Add a missing verb
are into
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Instagram
, telegram
Correct your spelling
and Telegram
. and If they
will
Verb problem
are
show examples
 into that, they will
challange
Correct your spelling
challenge
 other
children
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
.
This
Linking Words
is depends
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
frineds
Correct your spelling
friends
 because nowadays
popular
Correct article usage
a popular
show examples
 game is
pubg
Correct your spelling
popular
 in the world and more
children
Use synonyms
 are playing
this
Linking Words
 so they
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not
interest
Replace the word
interested
show examples
to
Change preposition
in studying
show examples
study
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Bussinesmans
Correct your spelling
Businessman
 when they were
child
Add an article
a child
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
were poor and they had
Fix the infinitive
to try
show examples
try
Change the verb form
tried
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
study
Use synonyms
 and
something
Add a missing verb
do something
show examples
achive
Correct your spelling
achieve
active
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is no secret
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Conclusion
In
colclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, Young
children
Use synonyms
 should use
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for
only
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
study
Use synonyms
 with parental supervision and They should not use from
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 every day because it is harmful to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 eyesight.

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the arguments presented. It is important to organize your essay into clear paragraphs, each containing a distinct main idea with supporting sentences that expand on that idea coherently.
Coherence & Cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are critical components of an IELTS essay. The introduction should clearly state the topic as well as your position or overview of what will be discussed. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate your position in a way that signals the end of the essay. Both were underdeveloped in your response.
Coherence & Cohesion
The main points in the essay are not well-supported with relevant examples or explanations. It's essential to use specific examples to illustrate your arguments, giving them weight and making them more convincing to the reader.
Task Achievement
The task was only partially completed, with a response that did not fully address all parts of the question. It's important to fully address the question, giving a balanced discussion on why children spend hours on their smartphones and clearly expressing if this is a positive or negative development.
Task Achievement
The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat unclear and not comprehensive. Aim to express your viewpoints clearly, using appropriate and varied vocabulary and grammatical structures. This includes focusing on one clear idea per paragraph and expanding on it thoroughly before moving on to the next.
Task Achievement
The essay lacks specific examples to support its claims, which are crucial for task response. Use real-life examples, statistics, or hypothetical situations to support your arguments and make them more compelling.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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