IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is expected there will be a higher proportion of old people than young people in the future in some countries. Do you think it is positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, huge proportion of youths are migrating from one country to another, which is now predicted that only elder
ones
Use synonyms
 will remain in future in some nations. In my opinion,
this
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 kind of development has surely negative impact on the
nation
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due to
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 fall down of economy and insufficient skilled labours. In the first hand, looking at the current scenario, the way youths are shifting to another
nation
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 for their higher studies, the financial burden is increasing for the government.
Lack
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 of
youth
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 means
lack
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 of economic outcomes, in result the authorities are under pressure to look after the old peoples
as well as
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 to the one who are retire. Many countries provides allowances to the old
ones
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whereas
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 pension to the retire
ones
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.
For instance
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: In the context of Nepal, the government are under pressure to provide facilities to the people because
lack
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 of outcomes, the economic growth of country is lacking.
In addition
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, if the boarding of
youth
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 keeps continuing
then
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nation
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 have to face the scarcity of skilled labors. Labors do migrate
due to
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lack
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 of employment, opportunities and deserving allowance. Many certified workers are not being paid
according to
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 their hard work, so they are forced to shift in another continent which provides proper payment
as well as
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 opportunities to enhance their skills.
For example
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: In the continent like Usa, Canada, Australia and so on, those
nation
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 bring out vacancy every year to the experienced and so the fresher
ones
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, which is extra point for
youth
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ones
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 to expand their skills and knowledge for their career in interested field. In conclusion, everything is in the hand of government, either to provide facilities to the
youth
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 and if authority fails
then
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 there is
lack
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 of
youth
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 in those countries and only elder members will remain. In order to make
youth
Use synonyms
 stay and growth of economy, authorities should be able to produce enough employment to skilled
as well as
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 to fresher one’s.

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Introduction and Conclusion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential components of a structured response. Consider starting with a distinct introductory paragraph that presents the topic and your thesis statement about whether the demographic shift is positive or negative. Wrap up with a concluding paragraph that summarizes the main points and restates your position clearly.
Logical Structure
The essay has some logical structure but it can be significantly improved. Each paragraph should contain one central idea, presented at the beginning, and the following sentences should elaborate on that idea. It's necessary to ensure that the transition between paragraphs and ideas is smooth and logical. Use cohesive devices such as conjunctions, pronouns, and discourse markers to make the relationships between ideas clear.
Main Points Support
The main points are somewhat supported, but the arguments need to be more fully developed and backed up with specific examples and details. Make sure the examples are directly relevant to the topic and clearly support your position. Expand on these examples to show how they illustrate your argument rather than simply stating them.
Task Response
The response to the task is incomplete and not fully developed. You should address both sides of the issue and provide a clear opinion. It's important to cover all parts of the prompt, including the implications of such a demographic shift, whether it's positive or negative, and why. Ensure each paragraph directly contributes to the task at hand.
Idea Clarity
Your ideas would benefit significantly from being presented more clearly and comprehensively. This means using a range of vocabulary accurately and ensuring sentences are grammatically correct and easy to understand. Aim for clarity above all, so the examiner can follow your reasoning without effort.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • life expectancy
  • experience
  • wisdom
  • strain
  • healthcare
  • pension systems
  • workforce productivity
  • intergenerational
  • learning
  • connection
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