IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

#parts #world #children #teenagers #crimes
It is obvious that juvenile crimes are increasing remarkably all over the world.
This
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 pinpoint the
reasons
 and outline lots of solutions that governments could take to tackle
this
 situation. There are several causes for the fact that delinquent crimes are becoming more prevalent. The major
reasons
 are the lack of
education
 and poor living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
.
Because of living
Change preposition
Living
show examples
 under those conditions
forcing
Wrong verb form
forced
show examples
 them to take what they did not have to sustain their life and their family.
Moreover
, having poor
education
, they were not taught properly so they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 no choice but to be educated on the streets rather than at school.
As a result
, they can not have the necessary knowledge to have a stable job in the future and have to commit a crime.
For instance
, in 2022,
according to
 a survey about delinquent crime, the major
reasons
 are poverty and poor
education
.
However
, the government could take
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
 to decline
this
 pressing issue in many ways. They should address both living conditions and
education
 for their residents first. By making
education
 more accessible, children from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
slum
Fix the agreement mistake
slums
show examples
 or whose
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 cannot afford the tuition fee can have the opportunity to have
well-rounded
Add an article
a well-rounded
show examples
education
.
Therefore
, they could have a stable job in the future,
this
also
 means that their living standard would improve so that they do not have to make a living by pickpocketing or even becoming a murderer. In conclusion, there are several
reasons
 for the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 delinquent crimes.
However
, governments could take steps by many solutions to decrease
this
 problem
Submitted by nguyenhaphuongtrinh2000.st on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents main points with basic development. The structure of the essay allows for an understandable reading experience, but transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the connection between them stronger. I advise focusing on creating clear and logical links between each point to enhance the flow.
task achievement
Although the essay addresses the topic, it does not fully develop all parts of the task. The reasons behind juvenile delinquency are mentioned, but the suggested punishments are not elaborated on. To improve your score, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt thoroughly, providing detailed explanations for both causes and solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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