Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

A number of societies believe that the main factor to be happy in
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
is to earn and keep
an
Change the article
a
show examples
huge amount of cash.
This
is
due to
the dreamy house they
cam
Correct your spelling
can
show examples
buy,
Also
,
this
can lead to
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
quality of
life
.
However
, there are other things in
life
that might lead to happiness
such
as family and
friends
.
Firstly
,
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
of the main
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
that can lead to
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
quality of
life
is that they can buy anything they want
such
as
buy
Verb problem
apply
show examples
an
Change the article
a
show examples
house or an expensive car which is
consequently
essential in
today
Change noun form
today's
show examples
society.
Besides
, they invest more
money
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
their children and they will become rich in future without worrying and stress.
Moreover
, they can travel around the world and
seeing
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
all countries with
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
cultures.
For example
, a significant number of
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
in my country,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have a better
life
with
money
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
their
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
,
this
is
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
they can study without any stress about lack of
money
.
Therefore
, the more you make
money
, the happier you will be in
life
.
Nevertheless
, there are other things in
life
that can lead to happiness
such
as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
family or
friends
,
this
is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
can support you in any situation where ever you are
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
Furthermore
, family teach you everything that
essential
Add a missing verb
is essential
show examples
for your
life
.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
friends
play
an
Change the article
a
show examples
vital role in daily
life
.
For example
, many people in today's world, make
friends
to hang out for sports or dinner so that you feel more happy. In conclusion,
although
there is no doubt that
money
can lead to
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
quality of
life
by buying everything you want, I think that family and
friends
play a key role
to make
Change preposition
in making
show examples
you feel happy in
life
.
Submitted by imanghanbari57 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay introduction clearly sets the context for the discussion, presenting the argument and outlining the structure of the essay. Avoid ambiguity and confusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures and transitional phrases to make clear connections between paragraphs and sentences. Maintain a logical flow throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points with specific details and examples. This not only strengthens your argument but also demonstrates a greater range of language ability.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your conclusion effectively summarises the key points made within the essay and reflect on how these support the arguments you've presented. Avoid introducing new information in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Expand on how money might make people happy by considering how it impacts different aspects of lifestyle, security, and personal development. Be concise but comprehensive.
Task Achievement
Focus on providing specific examples to illustrate your points. Generalisations can weaken your argument; instead, use particular instances or data to reinforce your position.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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