IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#scientists #technology #expert #society #musicians #artists
Modern society tends to appreciate science more than art.
While
 it seems that
scientists
 and
technology
 experts are overestimated  , I believe that musicians and artists are
also
 equally appreciated . In
this
 essay, I will elaborate
further
  and state my opinion.             To commence with  , the evolution of science and
technology
 paved the way for modern civilization .
In other words
 , the inventions by doctors , researchers and
technology
 engineers have made the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of people much easier .
For instance
 , most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
  factory work has been automated using the latest
technology
 machines .
Also
 , development in the transport industry has reduced time travel and brought the
world trade centers
Correct your spelling
World Trade Centers
show examples
 closer. researchers trying tirelessly to improve our lifespan with the advancement in medical science .
Therefore
 ,
scientists
 and
technology
 experts are well-respected and awarded .           
Furthermore
, entertainers and artists are
also
 equally valued in
this
 globe  .
This
 is because music and art have a great level of impact on the mental health and strength of a person.
For example
 , nowadays stress
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 one of the major concerns for the masses and music can act as
stress
Correct article usage
a stress
show examples
 killer .
Therefore
 people with
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 passion  for art are well awarded.          
Finally
,
though
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the impact of
scientists
 and
technology
 on humans is appreciated and they are widely respected for their work . I believe that the musicians and the artists have an equal part to play in the betterment of civilization . And they are appreciated like
scientists
. I completely disagree with the idea.
Submitted by hoomajkzhomaei on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider structuring your essay more effectively by separating your introduction, supporting paragraphs, and conclusion clearly. Also, ensure you have a thesis statement that answers the essay prompt directly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs are logically ordered. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea and be followed by supporting sentences. Cohesive devices such as transition words can help to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task. Ensure that your opinion is clear and that you are not sitting on the fence. Expand on your ideas by providing more specific and detailed examples.
task achievement
It's crucial that your ideas are clear and detailed. Work on developing your arguments further to ensure that each paragraph thoroughly explores its main point.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: