IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Scientists and technology expert seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Modern society tends to appreciate science more than art.
While
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 it seems that
scientists
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 and
technology
Use synonyms
 experts are overestimated  , I believe that musicians and artists are
also
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 equally appreciated . In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate
further
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  and state my opinion.             To commence with  , the evolution of science and
technology
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 paved the way for modern civilization .
In other words
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 , the inventions by doctors , researchers and
technology
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 engineers have made the
life
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lives
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 of people much easier .
For instance
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 , most
of
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apply
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  factory work has been automated using the latest
technology
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 machines .
Also
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 , development in the transport industry has reduced time travel and brought the
world trade centers
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World Trade Centers
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 closer. researchers trying tirelessly to improve our lifespan with the advancement in medical science .
Therefore
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 ,
scientists
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 and
technology
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 experts are well-respected and awarded .           
Furthermore
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, entertainers and artists are
also
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 equally valued in
this
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 globe  .
This
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 is because music and art have a great level of impact on the mental health and strength of a person.
For example
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 , nowadays stress
in
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is
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 one of the major concerns for the masses and music can act as
stress
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a stress
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 killer .
Therefore
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 people with
huge
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a huge
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 passion  for art are well awarded.          
Finally
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,
though
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apply
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the impact of
scientists
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 and
technology
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 on humans is appreciated and they are widely respected for their work . I believe that the musicians and the artists have an equal part to play in the betterment of civilization . And they are appreciated like
scientists
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. I completely disagree with the idea.

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coherence cohesion
Consider structuring your essay more effectively by separating your introduction, supporting paragraphs, and conclusion clearly. Also, ensure you have a thesis statement that answers the essay prompt directly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs are logically ordered. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea and be followed by supporting sentences. Cohesive devices such as transition words can help to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task. Ensure that your opinion is clear and that you are not sitting on the fence. Expand on your ideas by providing more specific and detailed examples.
task achievement
It's crucial that your ideas are clear and detailed. Work on developing your arguments further to ensure that each paragraph thoroughly explores its main point.
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