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Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
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Today’s generations tend to overcome some
disorders
Use synonyms
 based on herbal therapy versus going to experts. I completely believe that it is a harmful phenomenon that has several drawbacks to people's and society's health.
To begin
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 with, many people complain about the cost of medicine and try to bypass the precise way of diagnosis and treatment. When they face some brief clinical signs of
disorders
Use synonyms
, they usually use over-desk medication or even some easiest options.
Although
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, at the first point, it is cheaper to start these alternatives, I believe it causes some unexpected events.
For instance
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, foreign researchers showed that only 20% of
disorders
Use synonyms
 have responded to traditional drugs and the remaining ones need physicians' opinions. In fact, it is presented that 50% of untreated diseases have been diagnosed very late and
consequently
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 they need a high budget to be cured.
Therefore
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, it is more rational to visit your general practitioner after starting any symptoms.
On the other hand
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, I assume not only do they prevent their issues but
also
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 have several side effects on society.
Firstly
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, they may remain carriers of organisms for several days and they can transmit them to family members and relatives.
Hence
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, they spread the disease simultaneously as they follow their own way.
Secondly
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, once the patient reaches doctors, it needs several procedures and efforts and authorities have to devote a section of the country’s budget to medical insurance.
Additionally
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, more severe
disorders
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 need more monitoring
such
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 as hospitalization, specific expensive drugs, and specialty intensive care. In fact, all these steps put energy and money
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the government. In conclusion, I claim the negative impacts of alternative medicines are by no means negligible and people have to leave
this
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 idea as it has manifold nugatory effects on various aspects.
Submitted by farzin_seyednejad on

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coherence cohesion
Consider creating a more balanced structure by organizing paragraphs effectively and making clearer transitions between ideas to enhance logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that both the introduction and conclusion are effectively paraphrased from the question, and clearly state your position. While present, they could benefit from strengthened paraphrasing and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with a variety of cohesive devices but avoid overuse or incorrect usage, which may lead to a reduction in clarity.
task achievement
Provide a more complete response to the question by discussing both sides of the issue, even if you have a strong opinion, to meet the requirements of the task.
task achievement
Focus on developing clear and comprehensive ideas in each paragraph by expanding on them with more detail and depth.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, include relevant and specific examples that directly support your arguments. Doing so will help illustrate your points more convincingly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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