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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#today’s #schools #students #world
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The educational framework must add
way
Add an article
a way
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 to survive financially in the modern world.Students spend most of their time in schools learning
non important
Add a hyphen
non-important
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 cognitions, which will be useless in the future. From my point of view, I completely agree that schools should incorporate education on financial survival into student’s
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the educational system is a bit outdated for today’s children. As we know,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of young graduates face problems with money because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of financial skills that they have not been taught.
For instance
Linking Words
, at
schools
Add a comma
schools,
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 there is limited knowledge shared about tax, income and budget. In my country , a lot of students do not know how to calculate their income,
Linking Words
this
Correct word choice
and this
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 might
bring
Verb problem
cause
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 them
to
Change preposition
apply
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a financial loss and money. As
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 example, my sister picked the wrong company, which offered a good
well
Rephrase
apply
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paying
Correct your spelling
well-paying
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 job.
However
Linking Words
, she calculated their income wrong and
forced
Add a missing verb
was forced
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 to work with them for a year,
due to
Linking Words
contract
Correct article usage
a contract
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. Another reason for
teach
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teaching
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 modern kids financial literacy is
help
Change the verb form
to help
helping
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 them avoid financial scams.It is well known that elderly people frequently get into trouble from scammers. What I mean is that older people believe what these scammers say.
For example
Linking Words
, they may tell you to pay a certain amount
of
Change preposition
apply
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in cash, promising a greater return.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period, a deceived person loses the amount of money he invested. If only people were familiar with financial
basic
Fix the agreement mistake
basics
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, these kinds of scams could be avoided. In conclusion ,taking everything mentioned,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 today should teach students how to navigate financial challenges in the modern world.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Introduction
Ensure that the introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay. Your introduction does touch upon the topic, but it could better outline your position and preview the main points you will address.
Sentence linking
Work on creating sentences that flow together more naturally. Using a variety of linking words and phrases can help create a more coherent text.
Paragraph focus
Make sure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and that supporting sentences are directly related to this idea for better clarity and cohesion.
Task response
You have provided a clear position on the question; however, strive to fully address all parts of the task with more explicit details and develop ideas more thoroughly for a stronger argument.
Examples & Elaboration
Use specific, relevant examples to substantiate your arguments. The provided examples should be elaborated on to more thoroughly demonstrate your point and show a broader understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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